3/1/96
Well, guys, (if any are still reading this after my last couple of articles) I think it's time to get over all this feminine bullshit. I'm tired of having people tell me I need to "get in touch with my feminine side". I am a MAN. I do not have a feminine side. To suggest that any male has a "feminine side" is a contradiction in terms. I don't have a vagina, I have a penis. I don't even have a "side" of me that has a vagina. While you ponder the anatomical difficulties of this, allow me to refute the more commonly accepted notion that men have a "feminine side" on an emotional level.
The problem here is that our words are totally fucked up. Why should women get all the good stuff attributed to them? I challenge anyone to explain to me why it is somehow non-male to have feelings of caring, compassion, and vulnerability. Why do we guys, in order to be "real men", have to go around and pretend that we are superior when we are really acting like a bunch of total assholes? Who the fuck writes these rules of conduct for our society? I'll tell you what, it ain't no "real men" if I'm the one defining the terms.
Before I go on, I must make another thing clear. Homosexual society in general seems to have transcended all this macho nonsense. The gay men I know have managed to get beyond making fools of themselves in an attempt to prove their worthiness. I believe this is why Madonna shows such affection and respect for gays. Would a real woman do any less?
Now, back to the heterosexual community. To all straight men who are reading this: GET A GRIP! It's time for us to come out of the dark ages here. We need to learn a lesson from our friends who have other sexual preferences. If we are to have any hope of possessing dignity on Judgement Day, we need to stop bullshitting ourselves. If we keep pretetending like we're the fucking kings of the world while we ride around in cars powered by our bare feet, we're going to end up like Fred Flintstone. And you know what's even worse? Women like Madonna are going to dominate the hell out of us and we won't even know it.
It's time to stop letting her, and women in general, take all the credit for things we all feel. It's not good for her, although she has learned to deal with it quite well over the years. The people we hurt most when we do this are ourselves. Wear a blindfold over your eyes, and if you're lucky, you might find someone like Madonna to lead you around your whole life. The problem is: you'll never know where you're going or what you're doing. Do you want live your entire life, hoping she'll lead you to the kitchen and give you food when you're hungry, praying she'll be able to spot a restroom when nature calls, and wondering what the hell kind of clothes she puts on you every morning? (I might! Hey, maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all...)
Alright, back to reality. It's time for us men to have some dignity. We need to take pride in who we are. This includes taking pride in parts of ourselves that most of us have neglected for a long time. We have neglected them to the degree that they have become associated with women and women only. Females are not the only tender ones. They are not the only people who can appreciate a pretty flower. We men can shed a tear every now and then too. Actually, crying can be fun as long as it doesn't become a constant obsession. Madonna knows what I'm talking about.
Finally, I don't want to leave women out of this article completely. Our society needs some good macho women. Men aren't the only ones who can be domineering and boss people around. Madonna has demonstrated this point better than I ever could, given my gender. I think most of the men in our society need members of the opposite gender to put them back in line.
Just don't get too egotistical about it. Do that, and we'll end up with the same problems we've got now 6000 years down the road, except the people in power won't be bragging about the size of the object between their legs. They'll be bickering endlessly about who has the biggest chest. Oh yeah, and when it comes to choosing mates: "Hey! Check out the cock on that one!... Hello hot stuff... Wanna get some dessert?... I know you want to, you're just afraid to say so." You get the point.
To close this little diatribe, I'd like to say this: In our culture, we have traditionally put WAY too much weight on gender. A couple hundred years ago, when we Americans were pioneering our way through the wilderness, women were forced to be housewives, and men were unable to show unbridled love outside the bedroom. We have come a long way since then. We could go a lot farther. As we boldly go where no one has gone before, let's remember our past for what it is: a time when we were immature. As we enter the promised land, let's not forget what Egypt was like, lest we become slaves again.
If you are enjoying all these platitudes, make up some more for yourself. I've got other things to do now.