3/1/96
I've just been thinking: What if everything I've got on this page is nothing but bullshit? I mean, come on. My idiotic comparisons of Madonna to Jesus Christ, these lovesick ramblings, and all the overinflated hype here just make me wonder. Am I going nuts?
Well, if this is all mindless bullshit, it certainly wouldn't be the first page filled with lunacy to appear on the web. That thought does bring me some degree of consolation. At least I'm not the only idiot out here. Heck, I've even seen a lot of stuff in "real publications" that are even nuttier than what I've got here.
After thinking a bit, though, this rationalization becomes pretty shallow. What if everyone else stopped their foolishness and started writing stuff that made sense? Would that mean I must then conform? If I woke up tomorrow and couldn't find a single kook posting flames on the newsgroups, I'd probably think that the end of the world was finally here. What if there were no more crazies forming little militias to protect themselves from black helicopters? Without all the other insane idiots out there making web pages, I'd be all alone in my nuttiness.
What would I do if these things did happen? If everyone else was the same, would I keep on having these thoughts and feelings, or would I submit out of fear of isolation? There's a part of me that wants to think that I would continue and keep my artistic integrity. So what if I'm a fool? Even if everything I say is absolutely off the wall, that's how I think and feel, and I want to express myself no matter what the world thinks. Just being human and having thoughts is enough justification in and of itself, isn't it? Even if no one else gets it, I want to say what I think anyway.
Unfortunately, this argument doesn't really work either. Why? Well what's the point of saying something if nobody is going to understand it? Isn't language designed to express ideas between people? If ideas are not being communicated and no one has a clue what I'm saying, what's the point of even talking or writing?
Fortunately, since most people do understand words, and I am using a common language, these ideas are going to be recieved. The problem comes when the ideas I have are so out of the mainstream that nobody will seriously consider them. When nobody seriously considers what I say, the situation is almost equivalent to speaking in a language that is all my own. I might as well just babble nonsense and make it sound good. After all, I know what I'm thinking. If nobody else is going to get it, why should I even speak?
I do so in the hope that some who are reading this will understand. I don't know what percentage that will be. My guess is that it won't be ratable on a percentage basis. Some people are just going to get part of it and write the rest off as lunacy. Others will see it, get it, not like it, and call me crazy or even dangerous. There are going to be some who will be so closed as to not even want to look at it. That's why I included warnings at the beginning. If I start shoving this information down their throats without giving them a chance to get away, they're going to be mad as hell at me, and I don't want that.
I'm putting this here so that those who can or need to understand it will be able to read it. Even if a million people visit this web page and only one of them has a clue, it'll be worth while. (I'm harboring a hope that this one person will be a certain celebrity who I'm thinking about right now) And even if there isn't a single person who believes me, I'll know for myself that I have been honest. I will retain my integrity, and that's something worth keeping forever.