2/29/96
A few minutes ago, some disturbing thoughts came into my mind. I began to think about the possibility that this would work. That is, it would get Madonna's attention and she would fall madly in love with me as stated in Part 3. The disturbing thing I was thinking was this: What if I decide after meeting her that I don't want her? What if all this works better than I really want it to, and I end up disappointing her by rejecting her? What cruelty that would be! After all these promises, hopes, expressions of love, and dreams. What if I don't really want it to happen and hurt her with my words?
I was so disturbed by the possibility that I momentarily considered retracting all my plans to publish this stuff. The last thing I would want to do to the one who helped me would be to disappoint her. At this, I became so confused as to need a walk. I go on walks on the bike trails nearby whenever I need to clarify my thinking. It's been happening a lot over the past few weeks.
So, at this, I suited up in sweats and my coat. (It's been snowing and the temperatures are way below freezing tonight.) As I started to walk, I was listening to the song "Cry Baby" from the I'm Breathless cd. I had never really listened closely to it before, and it's really quite hilarious. For about the first 3 minutes of my walk, I laughed aloud while walking through the darkened neighborhood just after midnight. It's a funny song! What else was I supposed to do. Wasn't like I was waking anybody up or anything.
When my thoughts returned to my predicament, I realized what had been going through my mind was a bunch of bullshit. Not only was my thinking extremely egotistical and chauvinistic, it was very condescending as well. "Oh, poor little Madonna. Whatever shall she do if I don't like her anymore? How will she cope? Will it scar her forever? After all, I am a big bad man and if I'm not careful, I could hurt this poor little muffin more than she's ever been hurt before. My powers are Godlike, so I better make sure I don't step on anybody's feet with them."
After realizing how infantile my reasoning was, I became clear on what I would do if this scenario does happen. Duh. If I decide she's not right for me, I tell her. Same thing goes for her. How obscure can the obvious become? Sure, we would both hurt for a while. Hurt is a part of living. If at a later time I decide I don't want the job I applied for, I turn it down. The employer will just have to find someone else to do the work. Same goes for me. If she thinks I'd make a lousy father or just has a distaste for me for other reasons, I've got to accept it and move on.
For all these weeks, I've been beefing myself up psychologicly for rejection. Tonight (actually it's the morning of the 29th now), I realized that I also have to be prepared to be the rejecter and accept the consequences of my actions. If there's anybody who can handle rejection, it's going to be somebody like Madonna. If I am ever to hope for a healthy relationship, I have to stop treating her like a five year old. (Actually, that would better be worded: stop treating her like most people would treat a five year old. Despite what many people believe, kids are very good at handling rejection. They unlearn their skills because adults who don't have a clue teach them to become emotionally crippled. (that phrase just keeps coming up, doesn't it?)) (Too many parentheses. This is starting to look like an algebra equation)
Anyway, to sum this up, I'm going to have to be ready to deal with whatever happens. There's no way to plan for all the possible scenarios, so I have to rely on nothing but my human instinct. Everything else will ultimately fail. This may seem like a funny analogy, but I have to "Use the Force". When Luke Skywalker (I love that name) was being trained by O.B.1, he was instructed to fight blindfolded. That's what I have to do here. Will luck be involved, as Harrison Ford's character suggested? I think it has to be.
Now that I've writtin all these profound thoughts down (typed them, actually), I'm going to go back out for another walk. It's really nippy outside, and I love cold weather.