From here, no lines are drawn
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Location: The Dungeon
So once again, this sorta fairytale of a journey has brought me back here, in a place I thought I might leave forever, and could have left earlier, had I made the choice. Yet now, once more, I am here, still. And again, another choice presents itself.
Looks like if I want one, within a couple days, I could have an easy, quick ride back west to Colorado to visit relatives, check out whatever eco-volunteering possibilities might be available in that area, and eventually, perhaps, catch a bus back to Missoula, the place I like to call "home" (though initially, even there, I'd be crashing wherever without a spot of my own for a bit, just like this whole journey).
Looking at the calendar, I realize I've been holed up around this Pit-Stop for nearly 3 weeks. These weeks haven't been entirely lacking in tangible outlets for my energies in ways aligned to core mission purpose (i.e. advancing sustainable eco-living). I did get to help dig a garden bed at the Rainbow Sanctuary, and the tribal devotion I have been experiencing amidst this group of spiritually inclined urban survival addicts has rocked me to the core.
Yet also, much off my time and energy has been spent wandering in circles around town, sitting alone at coffee shops immersed in the "virtual" tribe (theoretically hunting down hazy possibilities of future destinations), earning a little bit here, then smoking it away there... Doesn't quite feel like the vision I set out to achieve on this journey. Maybe, as some say, there is more that I could be doing here, yet so far, directly accessing connections to such opportunities in the immediate vicinity has proved mostly elusive.
And yet.... After passing up multiple possibilities for ways out, I am here, Still.
I know where I am. Using the model of consciousness encapsulated in the Tarot symbology, I am at the Devil card. Imprisoned, but not by any sort of physical bonds. I could walk away at any time. I am free. Yet here I stay, wearing this chain, just a little longer, because in some strange way, it feels a little too good to remove.
I'll get back home, but I want to solve this little puzzle first! What satisfaction is there to the game if you use the signale well before reaching your real threshold? Then again, why am I even playing this game? What purpose is there? What reason to stay for another round, especially when the odds of coming out satisfied are not in my favor at any rate?
Well, I suppose I was the one who asked for this bargain, so for now, I feel honor-bound to let it play out, at least until my seasonal contract expires.
No quick exits, no bailouts, no futile search for comfort in places that I once belonged.
Remembering the 7th goal. Though Still I may be, I am here for Adventure.
When this creature -- Adventure -- has found me, I shall not back away, but remain with Her, ever Still, finding the way-scape into-t(re)e-wild.