(continued from the previous mess of incoherence...)

Neurotic was not quite the right word. I used it because it was the best thing off the top of my head, but it was off base, and I knew it. I had to hunt in Wikipedia for a bit to remember the one I needed, but it's much more accurate: Dukkha. That's what I've been experiencing.

Moreover, I was seeking to rid myself of the dukkha, which only intensifies it. Spinning a tighter and tighter wheel.

Now I'm dialing down the volume, and letting go just a little.

Yes, work today ended up being quite exhausting. But that isn't the right word either. "Exhausting" is a lame substitute that passes the plausibility test. To be more precise, it was... Emotionally draining? Stressful? Taxing?

All of these terms are sort of right, but insufficient. My words are lacking.

Hmmm... Ok, I give up. Now we go into silly (but perhaps not entirely irrelevant) lyrics mode.

I feel as if I have nothing left to give. To anyone else, to myself, or to this writing. Yet is that a lie? Maybe there is something still that I am hiding.

I struggle with this: I could get angry right now. Or I could direct my mind to focus on other things, and calm itself. But if I do that, am I not merely repressing the anger? (Psychology would say yes.) However, if I let the flame of anger burn high, and feed it, will it not create even more anger and consume me? What is the way?

I shall contemplate on this and meditate. There are no answers to be revealed here tonight.