Earlier, I posted a message to yanthor.net saying that I will be staying after the fest, and possibly looking for a job in Lincoln during that time.

What was the motivation behind this? An epiphany, as I stated in my post there? Is that really the right word, or was it a sudden rash of... something else? Panic?

Here's what happened. It was early afternoon. I had just gotten up. I was sitting at mom's computer reading various websites. There was a knock at the door. Not expecting anymody, I figured it was probably just some stupid salesman, so I decided to ignore it.

The knock came again. Then the sound of a key being inserted. Uh oh.

With that, I got out of the chair and walked over toward the door. Just as I reached it, the door opened.

The man on the other side jumped with a start when he saw me. I'm not sure which one of us was more freaked out in general, but the unexpected sight of me had definitely spooked him for an instant.

He said he was supposed to look at the air conditioning and plumbing.

I was like, "Oh, ok," and stood around awkwardly while he came in and went over to look at the thermostat.

He said he would have to go downstairs to check something, told me he would be back in a minute, and left.

This gave me a moment to assess. Shit. I felt like a wreck. How embarrassing. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. No wonder he freaked. I looked like a wreck too. Hadn't taken a shower yet. Hadn't shaved in days. My hair was sticking out in all directions. What a fuck-up I must have seemed to be. What a fuck-up I am.

In the middle of the afternoon on a weekday. It was like a psychological jolt of realization. Having another person -- a stranger -- see me and react brought to the forefront of my consciousness just how low I had sunk.

What am I doing here? Living like this? With my parents, no job, and apparently having given up whatever aspirations I once held. What has become of me?

I closed the bathroom door and just sat there for a minute. I didn't want the man to come back, but I knew he was going to. This is no way to live. Huddling in the corner, ashamed of myself, scared of the world, sick of this existence.

After a minute or two of that, and some visible bite marks on my hands (which should disappear pretty quickly), I pulled myself together. Well, the least I can do is comb my hair before he returns. With the help of a little water, at least my hair was in better shape.

I came out of the bathroom and looked around. I knew what I needed to do. For the past couple weeks, I had been in a state of indecision regarding whether I would drive to the megafest separately and stay a little longer afterward, as per Yanthor's offer. If it were only about staying an extra day or two just to hang out, I'd almost certainly opt to carpool with Jaeger and Kiesa. But the other possibility that loomed was the idea of doing what Yanthor had suggested back in March, looking around town for a job, and maybe (the last part would be a big "maybe" on both of our ends) staying in their basement for a cheaper-than-normal rent for a while.

In some regards, I was (and still am) fairly dubious about the idea. Based on Yanthor's comments when we talked in March, it didn't sound like the Lincoln job market was really that much better than it is around here. And as far as ideal places to live go, Lincoln isn't exactly in my top 10. It's probably better than Oklahoma City, where my poor brother is currently exiled, but it certainly ain't no San Francisco. Or even Boulder. (Ok, so I've never actually been to San Francisco, but any town that produces such a wellspring of cultural innovation must have something going for it.)

All that being said, there is one distinct advantage Lincoln does have for me, and that's the friends I have there. I don't make friends quickly or easily. So that really means something to me.

Well, that little episode this afternoon pushed me to a decision, and it's about time, because the two week deadline for informing Yanthor of my plans was upon me. I would go to Lincoln, and at least look around to find out what jobs are available. I don't know if I'll find anything, or even if I do, whether I'll want to live there, but it's at least worth looking into.

There also exists the distinct possibility that scott's x13 might actually turn into a successful enterprise. Even if it does, I have strong doubts as to whether it will work for me. If there's one thing I should have learned out about myself by now, it's that I don't work very well when I'm at home by myself alone. I procrastinate, I get distracted, and depression seems to be more of a problem than it is at other times. Beyond that, when my "off-duty hours" come, I almost feel like I should be making up for the stuff I didn't get done during normal work time. It's like the worst of everything, even if the job itself would be great under other circumstances.

(A couple of attempts to move the "work" location elsewhere haven't fared that well either, largely because that involves carting my PC across town. Since I don't want to haul it back and forth every day, I end up leaving it at "work", and then have no computer at home. So I do all my personal stuff at work, end up staying later to get work done, and the same problem manifests itself all over again.)

(Or even better, I fly into a complete state of manic looniness, find myself in some library in an unknown suburb of Denver, swearing at the crappy awkwardness of IE and Qwerty, typing bizarre comments into the Content Collective, and otherwise acting like a paranoidal freak.)

Well, I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm still not even certain I would move to Lincoln if I had a job offer there, but I'm not going to rule it out either. It's entirely possible that this will simply end up as yet another of my exercises in grandiose silliness. But maybe not.

A few minutes later, the repair man returned. In an attempt to make this a less awkward than it had been, I introduced myself, and got his name. He had changed the air filter, and went to look at the plumbing in mom's bathroom.

I posted the message about my decision to yanthor.net, and then took a shower after he left.

Now I require sleep again.