Tue Sep 28 16:24:01 MDT 2004
I think I'm just about ready to go. Except for the part that involves deciding what I'm going to bring with me, what I'm going to leave behind, packing what I want into my car, and leaving nothing but a tidy, simple, neat little pile to return to. Sure, I'm in perfect readiness.
This morning, for the first time since over a month and a half ago, I emptied all my stuff out of Tobias, gave him a nice thorough cleaning on the inside and out, and got him a much needed oil change. Now he's ready to be loaded again.
This afternoon, I've been at the computer wrapping up various odds and ends, and repeatedly telling myself that I'm "just about ready" to log off and pack up.
I had theorized that I might go to Laramie tonight, car camp up there for one evening, wander around and look for promising signs, and even if I don't see any of my friends, I could get a little "feel for" the area where they live. A silly venture? Perhaps. But doesn't just about everything I do these days fall into that category?
Now, I'm beginning to think it's more likely that I'll be spending much of the evening getting the rest of my stuff ready to go, perhaps spend one more night in my bed, head out in the direction of Lincoln late morning tomorrow, and... well.. you know the drill. Festing ahead!
I feel eager to get going, yet I continue to find little bits and pieces to "wrap up", which keep me spinning around in little circles here. Now I'm authoring a brief update to my livejournal, just so it can at least reflect a vague idea about what's going on.
What else was I going to write?
Hmmm... a final bit on religion... Those who are disinterested in the pagan aspect of my spiritual philosophy may skip or ignore the rest.
Though I no longer feel the presence of the Goddess with the immediate immanence that I did a few weeks ago, the gifts She gave remain with me, and continue to provide inspiration for the times ahead. I also now recognize, through introspection, thought, and reading, that some of the ways in which I attempted to honor Her were in error: the mistakes of an amateur bumbling around in the dark.
Indeed, most -- maybe all -- of the comments I wrote regarding the Goddess were written after I had left Her presence; they were, more than anything, an attempt to resurrect the past. An impossible feat, destined to failure. The fact that I titled one of my posts "The New Pagan Mass" is evidence enough. Though I wasn't quite consciously aware of it in this way at the time, I was attempting to do the same thing victims of Catholicism tried centuries ago: Finally resigned to the fact that the Goddess, as we knew and loved her, could not survive in her natural form, I/we tried to cloak her under a veil bearing the banner of the invading army. Back then, it was the Virgin Mary. This time, it's Consumerism with a capital C. Call Her Britney, if you prefer.
Despite my blindness and confusion, which caused me to mar her image in subtle ways, the Goddess (whose true name I have not yet found) saw through to my heart, showed compassion to me, and blessed me with enough of what I need to last another day, another month, another year. New friends, allies, and playfully joyful personal encounters with those in human form who bear the spirit and likeness of the Goddess -- the female half of humanity -- were given to me in doses as large as I was able to handle. For this, I am deeply grateful.
Finally, the Goddess saw fit to help with what I could not ask or see: She allowed a sort of peaceful reconciliation with my mother to happen. All wounds take time to heal; the deeper the wound, the more time it takes. Given the circumstances this time around, it could have been far worse, but it wasn't. Now, as I make final preparations to depart for the road, mom and I are on pretty good terms again. For this, I am very glad. (But I still strongly hope that she doesn't discover the new url here.)
...
I've been reading a very insightful book for the past couple weeks. Pagans & Christians: The Personal Spiritual Experience, by Gus DiZergia. I happened to find it at the used book store down the road. Initially, I thought of it as a potential source of ideas in future discussions with some of my Christian friends, but I have found that it has been immensely useful in helping me sort out my own spiritual identity. As much as I might like to, I cannot deny that Christian ideology played a huge role in shaping my early spiritual experiences, which still affect me, and probably will throughout my life. So anyway... it's a great book.
At last, I think I'm ready to get offline and load Argo into the car. Just check that this page gets posted correctly, and then.... we're outta here!
Tue Sep 28 17:52:21 MDT 2004