Test, 123...
God, sometimes you just don't come through
Do you need a woman to look after you?
God, sometimes you just don't come through.
You made pretty daisies, pretty daisies...
I'm gonna find, find, find...
What you're doing about things here...
Feel witches burning, gets a little toasty
I'm gonna find, find, find...
Why...
Why You always go when the wind blows
God, sometimes you just don't come through
God, sometimes you just don't come through
Do you need a woman to look after you?
God, sometimes you just don't come through.
Tell me you're crazy, maybe then I'll understand
You got your 9-Iron in the backseat, just in case
...
I'll find, find, find...
Why you always go when the wind blows
Will you even tell Her if you decide to make the sky fall?
God, sometimes you just DON'T come through.
According to Argo's clock, it is now 14:59:53 MDT, and things are just getting warmed up here.
Though the initial stages are now viewable by the public, this rambling is not yet complete. In fact, it has just barely gotten started.
But first, more Tori. Yes, I'm being self-indulgent.
Where the buffalo roam
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day
Home. Home on the range
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day
Well Jackson made deals
A thief down to his heels
Had a long trail of tears
The Smokies could hide a cherokee bride
Her brave was shot yesterday
Home, home on the range
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day
We know it's not Caroline
Your home is your home
The range may be fine for some
But not in my eyes
Home, home on the range
The smokies... always hide
Cherokee bride
But in her eyes, it's not Caroline
HEY, AMERICA!
AMERICA!
Who "discovered" your ass?
The white man came
"This land is my land, this land is your land," they sang.
Home. Home on the range
Where the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day
And the skies are not cloudy all day
And the skies are not cloudy all day.
Bravo.
Now, let's all go out and express our patriotism, and honor the victims of the tragedy. Wait, which tragedy are we talking about here? And which victims? The tragedy that happened 180 years ago, the tragedy that happened 3 years ago, or the tragedy that continues to happen even now, somewhere north of Kuwait?
Cut.
To hell with all that crap that's happening elsewhere, or stuff that happened in the past. Let's get back to MY narcissistic bullshit. That is, after all, what people come here to read, isn't it?
(Assuming I still have any readers left. It's a little hard to tell sometimes, especially when all the site's interactive features are on hiatus. But even during the final week that all the CGI stuff was running, virtually nobody was commenting on anything, so I figure that for practical purposes, this is just as good. For a while.)
Last night, I did indeed go down to the Cherry Pit. It was the first time I had been there. The reason I decided to go was because of a conversation at Hacking Society on Thursday. Somebody mentioned that they were going to try resurrecting the "old school" format for Fridays, and it might be fun to see how it went, as well as showing support for clubs that help keep the scene going.
How it went: DJs Rob and Slave1 (the same pair that frequently used to do Onyx Fridays long ago), in my opinion, did a very good job with the music. The venue itself was a bit more of the "generic bar" type of environment, but they had at least painted the ceiling and walls around the dance floor black, and put up some nice little decorative star lights, candles, etc. An honest attempt, which could have worked, if only....
But the crowds just weren't there. I think the number of people on the dance floor at any one time must have peaked at around 6 or 7 bodies. The few who did dance were fun and energetic, but with such a tiny crowd, it just ain't as much fun.
The people I had talked to at Hacking Society showed up, but they didn't seem terribly interested in the dance floor, and I discovered long ago that any attempt to conduct any sort of meaningful conversation in a club environment is a formula for failure. (When unamplified voices compete with loud music, the best you can hope for is short, perfunctory sentences. Forget about really getting to know anybody, at least through verbal means.)
Nonetheless, I had fun dancing, making an idiot of myself, and consuming a couple beers. That was that.
...
Now I'm listening to the last half of disc 1 from To Venus and Back. Where the music just totally trips out, obviously working to convey a hallucinogenic state of mind. "Datura." Dig it. (Is there anyone who can think of a single reason why Tori should NOT be inducted into the Musical Genius Hall of Fame? I didn't think so.)
(piece by piece...)
...
Wither the Future
The questions weighing my mind: What direction is my life going? What direction do I want it to do? Am I still intent upon taking a grand, never-ending road trip? If so, when will it happen? How will it happen? Am I even going to plan, or will it just happen spontaniously? Am I looking for a job? Am I continuing with the x13 thing, which I sometimes refer to as my job? (Some months, it pays; others, it doesn't; some months, I actually get work done on it; others, I don't. Does that qualify?)
Earlier this week, I received a communique from a former coworker. Someone who used to work at the same company I did, but has since moved on to greener pastures, knows of a job opening for which I would be an ideal candidate. According to the info I received, it would pay a salary somewhat higher than what I was making at our former company. Though I've only gone taken very preliminary steps to find out about it so far, I get the feeling that if I really wanted that job, I could get it, especially if former coworkers who also know people at this new company can recommend me.
That's a lot to think about.
Going to go out and walk in the sunshine for a while now. Be back in a bit...
...
Back. Sat Sep 11 18:31:44 MDT 2004.
My dog won't bite if you sit real still...
If I'm reading things correctly, just about everyone in America right now (myself included) is so fucking afraid of what might happen in the future that we're willing to do almost anything in order to have an illusion of reassurance. This is why we strive so hard to get "good" jobs that we end up hating, build ever more elaborate gates and fences around ourselves to keep the danger out, and... well... go on shopping sprees during which we waste large quantities of money on things we don't really need at all.
Oh, and also, some of us go to clubs, burn away our passionate energies in exercises of nihilistic extravagance, and do our best to forget -- just for a little while -- what a world of hurt we all live in.
Break it down.
Here.
Silent all these years.
years go by...
will I choke on my tears until finally there is nothing left?
Here, take hold of my hand.
I hear my voice, and it's been...
I've been...
Silent all these years.
.
...
Sat Sep 11 19:10:43 MDT 2004
...
...
... ... ...
nothing's been the same,
so are you gay?
are you blue?
thought we both could use a friend to run to
and I thought, you wouldn't have to keep (with me)
hiding
no one's picking up the phone...
Sat Sep 11 19:21:23 MDT 2004
...
Copper, to steel, to a hinge that is faltered
Blood lets you in, lets you in, LETS YOU IN
And if I'm wasting all your time, this time
...
I guess I'm way beyond the pale
Something's just...
Something's just...
keeping you numb
(comfortably?)
YOU'VE BEEN WASTING ALL MY TIME THIS TIME
I said, YOU NEVER LEARNED TO TAKE
AND IF I'M HANGING ON TO YOUR SHADE
I guess I'm way beyond the pale.
You'll never gain weight from a donut hole.
Sat Sep 11 19:29:05 MDT 2004
...
The following is dedicated to every female with whom I have made contact of any sort during the past 3 weeks:
I knew you so well.
------------------------
Resolution
I thank messenger of the Goddess Tori Amos for assisting me spiritually on this day. With the help of such divine inspiration, I have now mapped out a rough outline for a plan, which can serve as an answer to the questions that plagued me as I began today's writing. I'll document this plan momentarily. But first, I want to get a little Closer To God. (like an animal)
[Queue Tori's musical other half...]
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
I broke apart my insides
I've got no soul to sell
The only thing that works for me
Help me get away...
[we'll be back after a few words from our sponsors]
...
The Plan
Sat Sep 11 19:52:53 MDT 2004
The roadtrip is going to happen. Exactly where, when, or how it will end up is uncertain. But here's my plan:
Sometime during the week which begins September 26, 2004, I will set off on my voyage. Yes, this just happens to be quite near the time when the next Megafest is scheduled. But I'll most likely be leaving a little earlier. Assuming I can make contact with my friends in Laramie, Wyoming, I'll stop by and see them for a day or two on the way to the megafest. See if [blank], and [blank], and [blank], and [blank] are around, and also (hopefully) see their kids again.
(Come to think of it, I might also visit Fort Collins to see if any of the members of the Amerikkkan Terrorista band are around. One of them did give me the address of their collective, assuming I can find that little paper amidst all my crap.)
I'll go on to Nebraska, attend the Megafest, hang out in Lincoln for a little while. After that, there are several destinations that come to mind. I'm not sure what order I'll reach them.
- Lombard, Illinois. Wouldn't hurt to see grandpa again.
- Oklahoma. I dunno. Years ago, I remember it being a very dull and boring place (recent accounts suggest this hasn't changed), but my brother lives there. I may stop in for a bit. Who knows, I may even end up running into immediate families of other people I know, but I'm not placing that as a high priority.
- Pass through New Mexico and Arizona. No reason in particular, except perhaps to see the skylines.
- Mo.
- Conveniently enough, this should give me an excuse to visit the left coast. Yay!
- San Francisco. Gotta see the roots of our silicon age. The DNA Lounge might also be fun to visit, but we'll see. (There are many aspirations, not all of which are likely to be fulfilled.)
- Skip ahead. Maybe wander though Longview again.
- Pay homage to the city that birthed such legendary bands as Queensryche and Nirvana, to name a couple.
- OLYMPIA! CrimethInc, I know where you live. Beware. (hahaha, as if...)
- Wherever else my heart might lead. Ground Zero, on the opposite coast? Unlikely, but one never knows.
Now that my mind is made up, what I have is a beginning. What I do NOT yet have is a solid understanding of how every detail is going to work.
Money is an issue. I have a little bit of it, but partly thanks to recent indiscretions (which I still do not regret), I don't have much. Part of the next 2 weeks will be spent raising funds for the voyage. I know that this will not be enough time to raise as much money as I'll really need. Thus, I have decided that for the purpose of this road trip, I am willing to go a little bit into debt if necessary.
Debt. If I am willing to undertake some debt, this means that I know (and am acknowledging) that this roadtrip will not be never-ending. It will be an exploration. There exists some chance that somewhere along the way, I will discover a place where I want to live and work for a while. Maybe a long-term change of scenery is at hand for me. However, it is equally likely that I will find myself returning to familiar Colorado, empty pockets and hungry stomach, where I might end up getting a job at some grocery store deli, starting all over again. If this is what the Goddess wills, so be it.
On Voting, and the Election.
The other thing I'm going to do during the next 2 weeks is figure out what needs to happen in order to get my absentee ballot in. (With the ironic twist that I might actually end up being absent the day of the election.) Earlier, I made a bet that if Colorado turns "Blue" in November, I would stick around for a while, whereas if it turns "Red", it's a sign that things are getting mighty unfriendly here, and it's time to find a more sane place to live. Since then, I have seen many little signs to suggest that Colorado is growing both more sane and more insane at the same time (in terms of political realities). Strange world, isn't it?
In order to cast my ballot, and also take care of a few other affairs, I may need to stop back in sometime during the month of October. This might also allow me to do a little bit of cargo switching. A good thing.
Jobs and Employment
Before I leave, I'd like to talk a little with the job prospect that turned up this week. If they need somebody who is able to start immediately, I'm probably not the right candidate. But if they can wait a few months, and keep me in mind as a possible hire if I return sometime between November and January, it might be just what the doctor ordered. We'll see.
On the road, I plan to keep my eyes open for possibilities of every kind. If I find a place where the cost of living is low, I like the atmosphere, and happen find some little mom-and-pop store that needs their windows washed and floors swept, I might consider it as an option. Everything is a possibility. Nothing is off limits.
During the next couple weeks, I'd also like to spend a little time doing what I can to help transition X13. There's absolutely no way that I'm ever going to finish the ever-expanding list of things Scott wants for the "launch", but I want to at least leave some semblence of order for whoever ends up picking up all these pieces.
On giving stuff away
I plan to bring some things along on my trip to give away. But I'm not giving everything away at this point, nor will I be taking it all in my car. Some items will either remain at my parents' residences, or if they aren't comfortable with that, I'll see about renting a little storage space. Or I'll bury a few boxes in the mountains, five paces east of the tree by the blackened stump. ;)
On web content.
During the fest, I plan to take some steps toward bringing about the next generation of the Bitscape Web Content Publishing engine. Occassionally during the trip, I'll try to make it to web-connected terminals to post updates on my whereabouts.
There's a good chance that I'll be doing lots of writing during the voyage. (And reading -- I will be bringing lots of my unread books.) But unless I happen across a really good deal on a laptop with a charger that can plug into a 12-volt outlet during the next couple of weeks, most of my writing will likely take place the old fashioned way. That means that if it is ever to see the online world, many subsequent hours will have to be spent transcribing at a later time. In other words, for people who are addicted to my writing, get ready to break that addiction -- for a while. But a few months later, there just might be more content from me than you can handle. (No promises though.)
Anything else? Loose ends.
Yes, I'll miss the cool clubs. I'll miss BLUG. I'll miss Hacking Society. I'll miss the Boulder Food Not Bombs. I'll miss the Shambhala Center. I might even miss Scott's annoyingly petty clients (haha, yeah right).
If I end up missing these things enough, I might just decide that regardless of how cool and wonderous the rest of the country is, I may still want to return here. Then again, my heart may lead me elsewhere.
(And don't forget the red state/blue state factor. Maybe it seems funny to some, but every time I hear George Bush or one of his cronies speak, I sense a deep disregard -- sometimes crossing over into hatred -- for that which is most important in life: Beauty, Truth, Freedom, and above all, Love. Any grouping of people whose majority would align themselves with such a spirit is not one within whose midst I want to find myself. My survival depends on an environment where these virtues are allowed to thrive.)
Though I'm not at the point of leaving the country just yet, I'd still like to get the paperwork for my passport application put through soon too. A fanciful thought occurs that I might want to think about applying for a work visa somewhere abroad, in case things turn truly ugly here. (Or even if they don't -- why not try living somewhere that's less repressive? My fellow Americans, you know it's true. This country is full of the most hypocritical, puritanical fucks on the face of the earth. I wouldn't like us either if I were from "Old Europe".)
Blah, blah, blah. Am I getting off track?
I'll use the music to refocus.
I can still feel you
All I do
I can still feel you
All I do
I can still feel you
All I do
I can still feel you
All I do
I can still feel you
Numb all through
I can still feel you
Hear my call
Underneath it all
Kill my brain
Yet you still remain
CRUCIFIED
AFTER ALL I'VE DIED
AFTER ALL I'VE TRIED
YOU ARE STILL INSIDE
All I do
I can still feel you
All I do
I can still feel you
All I do
I can still feel you
All I do
I can still feel you
all i do
i can still feel you
all i do
(you remain)
i can still feel you
(i am so stained)
Thanks Trent. I needed that one.
Nothing more to say today. In theory, I'm now going to venture back across town, where I will watch an episode or two of a Chris Carter show entitled Millennium, starring Lance Henriksen. I haven't seen it in years. Literally. Should be a treat. Or so I think.
Anyway, the plan has been made. Naturally, I reserve the right to revoke it all if I wake up tomorrow morning and realize that it's all a bunch of foolish crap. But somehow, I don't think that's likely to happen.
Sat Sep 11 21:24:01 MDT 2004