Sun Sep 5 14:30:00 MDT 2004
music: Edenbridge: Aphelion
food: BBQ Rib Sandwich from Friday's lucky dumpster run
Last night, I slept a little better than the night before. (Wait a sec, I didn't really do any sleeping at all on Friday night, though I did sleep lightly for a couple hours on Saturday morning.) While I slept, the sounds of the neighbors fighting on the floor below entered my subconscious, I slept a waking sleep, and when I needed desperately to dream, but could not shut my eyes again, I let the video screen feed me another piece of twisted love propaganda from writer/director Jag Mundhra. With the sound running, I drifted back off to sleep, but again awoke just before the film came to an end.
I've decided that I like Mundhra's stuff, although after reading a bit more of the sparse online info, I have a strong suspicion that the versions I've been watching have had significant portions cut from their original India releases, which might explain why my brain has had to work overtime to try to piece the (very cleverly written) stories together. (The only evidence I have at present is that several reviews have referred to running times exceeding 2 hours, while mine run for roughly 96 minutes. Also, the editing sometimes "feels" made-for-tv, like they were trying to keep it down to an R rating or something. American corporations are so silly and hypocritical when it comes to sex-related content.) At $6.99 each, I guess I got what I paid for. I still consider it a bargain, cause even the abbreviated versions are great.
This morning, I started out by being very lazy, and re-watched a bunch of scenes from Dark City. Thought: If this is what I'm drawing on as my source material for life's template, no wonder my mind has been so fucked up. But damn, what a beautiful film!
Eventually, I managed to drag myself out of bed, showered (edging a little bit back in the direction of a "normal person" life, at least for a short while), and devoted myself to clearing unnecessary items out of Tobias's interior.
I really need to give more things away.
How can I reconcile this desire to rid myself of extraneous junk and go on the road with the utterly selfish excess of last week's shopping spree? (And some items still on their way to come in the mail.)
After some self-analysis and reflection, I conclude that like a rubber band, I stretched myself too far, and inevitably snapped back. I really realized this on Friday night, as I sat amidst the love and warmth of the community again. Whenever these people are around me, I feel virtually no need for all that STUFF, or at least not nearly as much of it.
A twinge of guilt entered, especially as I thought about the working mother whose child I had helped take care of at ASR. She had given us a free introductory yoga lesson. A momentary half-thought: Why couldn't I have just given the money to her instead of spending it at corporate chain stores?
But I am not there yet. I am not that virtuous. I am not that much of a revolutionary. I have insecurities, and I have addictions. If I weigh myself down with guilt over the way I have succumbed in the face of apparent hopelessness, I will only become even more crippled. So I recognize what I have done, I accept the advantages as well as disadvantages, and I live with the choices I have made. My karma.
A little later, I'll be going back to the Ranch to return a couple of items I borrowed, donate a few things, and see what info I can find out about getting more involved in Food Not Bombs. And maybe, just maybe, if I can become a little more integrated into that community on a longer term basis, my own load might become a little bit easier to deal with.
Depending on how much time I spend at the ranch, and how energetic I'm feeling afterwards, I may proceed on to Rock Island later. That will depend a lot on my mood though. Sometimes, a lot of loud, crushing music in dimly lit rooms full of drunk people can be just what the doctor ordered. Other times, well... we'll see.
Sometime in the near future, I'd also really like to undump the db into ivanova, get the normal content engine back up and running, and plan for the next insane leap forward in Bitscape Web Production coding projects. But I can only do so much, and I need to prioritize my time.
Right now, I'm again feeling incredibly sleepy. In addition to my (now declining) state of mania, I think it has something to do with my dad's air conditioner. I was feeling the "head trip" effect much more acutely last week when he had it on. Now, he's left it on even though he's gone for the day (probably wants the room cool when he returns), and I still can't help but wonder if there's some kind of invisible opiate particles drifting out with the conditioned air. Maybe I'll go outside again for awhile.
Or maybe I'll head over to the ranch early.
Or maybe I'll try to lend some semblence of order to the files on my hard drive.
Or maybe I'll go completely overboard with the gorging, and watch one of the dvd's in my backpack. Or... or... or...
Too many choices, too much loneliness, too little sensation of control over the things that really matter. Am I becoming depressed again?
Well, whatever. I've typed long enough.