I just realized it while I was walking down the sidewalk. I was thinking about the behavior of gambling addicts in casinos, how the House in many casinos could potentially be rigging things in ways more treacherous than previously imagined.

Here's my mental scenario: The owner could pay somebody he knows to go to THAT slot machine, play the gambling act for three hours, win nothing the entire time, and then suddenly get the million dollar jackbot. After the jubilant winner leaves with his money, 98% or so of it could go back to the owner of the casino, and the skilled actor could take a healthy 2% (of one million) = $20,000?

Doesn't sound like a bad gig at all, does it? In less than a half a day, under these wild guess numbers, one could make almost 50% of what I used to make in an entire year. Of course, in the real world, the "paid employee" might get a smaller cut than that. Then again, a smart person in such a position might be able to extract a fairly high additional fee just for the "keep quiet about it" maintenance work.

Is this what they do? I don't know. Is it plausible? Since I just happened to think of it out of the blue, I see no reason why those who devote significant amounts of time and energy to conjuring up such schemes couldn't have come up with the same the technique long ago, and be using it in 20 different places in the world right at this moment. Viva Las Vegas!

But that is a side tangent.

Since I returned from the trip, I have not looked at a single website (except to google for one I linked to in the last rambling). I have not even loaded bitscape.org my own little territory carved out of cyberspace -- to see if anyone has commented. I have been abstaining, and I didn't even realize why until I started thinking about casinos. Then it hit me.

Though I have personally never set foot in an actual Casino, I think I have a rough idea of how they work, thanks Joss Whedon's Angel, ST:DS9, HTLJ, and countless other genre as well as non-genre propaganda. Starring Sharon Stone.

I realized consciously what I had been unable to articulate clearly up until that point. Step away from the video screen.

Someone not far from here once coined the term "content vulture". I no longer even remember which one of us it was, but the definition could roughly be stated as: "Someone who repeatedly visits web pages -- especially those of far away friends, hitting the reload button on the browser often, eagerly awaiting the next bit of content to be posted.

Well, at least today I'm doing my part to feed the content vultures who might or might not be checking this web site. Aren't I?

In recent -- or not so recent -- times, I believe my content vulturing had begun to resemble the behavior of a slot machine addict. Sit at my computer, clicking from one habitually visited site to another, wondering each time whether this act would yield me the pleasure of vicariously experiencing some tiny bit of another person's life. Especially good are those bits from people I like to call friends, or others whose lives I find interesting. But good news, discussion sites, or whatever else are cool too. Bloglines helps you find more of them. Like being able to stick a quarter in 100 different slot machines, all at the same time!

I am a gambling addict. I took getting away completely for a little while, going through some mild withdrawl, and then finding other, far more fascinating addictions to sample that allowed me to step back and look at my addiction.

So now I know why I haven't started surfing the web at all today. I am so fucking scared that I'll fall back into the pattern again, and have a terribly hard time getting out. This is why recovering alcoholics never want to drink a single drop of beer. I can't help but think of myself as being in a similar position.

Now I'm not saying I'm never going to look at the web again. But friends, if you have written something you want me to see -- maybe even a post directly to me, and may be wondering why I am not there, this is why. I haven't done much looking at my email accounts either. I did open mutt once, hit D a few times for BLUG list messages, and quickly became tired of hitting the D key.

I haven't looked at my x13 work account either, but that's for entirely different reasons, also related to fear. Because I talked (in person) to scottgalvin.com last night, I already have some vague knowledge of what awaits me there. I approach it like someone entering a long abandoned house that might have 100 pounds of bricks lodged into the ceiling, waiting to fall and bury anyone who dares approach. It's not safe to walk into abandoned buildings.

I haven't looked at my yahoo account either. To start doing so now would be the worst kind of gambling. But when I feel strong enough, I might throw one quarter in, and then resolutely walk away for a day.

Well, the content of this rambling has run its course.

There's a very high chance that I will eventually get over my fear of addiction enough to go around and read what some of ya'll may or may not have written in my absence. But like a recovering addict, there is also some chance that I may shy away from the source of my addiction, and never want to touch it again.

Am I strong enough to risk becoming an addict again? Be addicted. Wait and see.