Still awake and processing again.

A former therapist who was very helpful long ago suggested that when I feel down and it seems like there's no reason (or it's just some wierd brain chemistry thing, as many other doctors were fond of saying), make up an explanation that doesn't involve "brain chemical imbalance" or the words "mental illness." Just think about events in everyday life, and see if there might be something there.

Here's what rose to the surface as I laid down and attempted sleep (unsuccessfully, obviously):

• The little cat. I want it back. I hope it's ok, and I hope it found its home. Somehow, the little thing awakened in me a need I had forgotten I had. Now, there is pain, but also a new awareness.
• Guilt over the fact that I've been about as productive as a pile of shit on x13 all week. This after being gone the week before that. I hate that.
• On a related note, some serious misgivings about where the business is going, whether it will succeed, and even if it does succeed, whether it will be a fulfilling experience, or a hollow disappointment on some level unaccounted for in financial figures.

Regarding the last two, I did chat with scott for a while about it yesterday. Some of what he said did help to alleviate my concerns, at least in part. Still, I have much uncertainty. There is more to this that I have yet to explore myself.

Now, again to bed. Just when I thought I was caught up, I'm going to be transcribing ramblings from the notebook again for a long time. Is there no end?