A few minutes ago, my mom called from Chicago. (Yes, that's right, even though she just arrived back in Denver on Thursday, as of Saturday, she's back in Chicago again.) Looks like I'll be going there before long too.

Grandma is in the final stages of life. There may be days left, or possibly even another week or two. But now, there is no question about it. She will be gone very soon. Funeral arrangements are already being discussed.

When the subject of the funeral came up, my mom questioned whether I would want to come or not. For this, there was no question in my mind. No time needed to think about it. "Yes, I'll be there."

As to whether I rush out at this moment for the chance to see grandma one last time before she's gone, I'm not so adamant. Word is that grandma herself is barely coherent. The alzheimer's has gotten worse. She doesn't remember things from one moment to the next. Finally, even though she didn't die right then, I pretty much made my peace with the fact that she would be leaving us during the last visit.

The biggest reason I would go would be for grandpa, and, to a lesser extent, my mom. Mom says he has begun the process of grieving. That's a huge burden. He's been with grandma for most of his life, since he was younger than my age (I think). Mom says that when grandma's asleep (which is most of the time), he sits quietly in the living room listening to old gospel music.

According to mom, in the few moments when grandma has been awake and aware enough to converse during the past few days, grandpa has asked her, "You know we love you, don't you?"

And she has responded, with as much smile as can be mustered when one is undergoing bodily pain, "Yes, I know."

I've already told scott that I'll be needing to head out there at some unspecified time in the near future, and he's been very understanding and accomodating.

As of now, the prelimanary plan (which could change depending on conditions) is for me to to head to Chicago next week.

There is a part of me that just wants to start packing and take off on the road right now. I tried asking mom when would be the best time for me to come. Would it be more helpful if I came sooner?

She said, "Not necessarily. We don't know how long it's going to be right now. Just think about when it would be best for you. If conditions change, I'll call."

My current thought is to spend the next few days making sure that scott and clients will be ok while I'm gone. I'd also really like to be around for scott's just-announced dinner on Sunday night. We had just been talking about bean dip plans this morning, and his events are always such fun.

But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it would be a better idea to leave earlier. Maybe instead of leaving Monday (as I said in an earlier conversation), leave Saturday morning, and get there on Sunday. That's if I drive. I haven't ruled out flying yet.

I don't know. This is all so... uncertain.

Well, I'm not going anywhere today, at least. I'll sleep on it tonight, and hopefully gain a little more mental clarity. Check how things are going with the grandparents again in the morning, and plan from there.