Sometimes I wonder how mentally stable I really am. I like to think that most of the time, for the most part, I keep myself in reasonably good shape, psychologically speaking. But as someone who has been diagnosed as bipolar, whenever my moods start feeling a little bit wierd, there's always this tiny little ticking sound at the back of my mind that wonders, "Might this be an early sign of what the mental health community refers to as an 'episode'? Or is it just another typical fluxuation in the tide; nothing to get worried about?"

Usually, by the time a full blown manic episode has unquestionably gotten underway, my brian's CPU cycles are too busy to worry much about it. Or even if I am partially aware of what's happening to myself, there's not much I can really do by that point. (As was proved August 9-12, 2002, which I retrospectively see as an episode that was just a few micrometers away from getting myself locked up somewhere.)

So I theorize that during the times I'm stable, I make up for it by focusing on how out of control I can get on those few occassions when I really do lose it, thereby hoping to ward off the insanity vibes (the truly bad kind).

So I guess this is one of those times.

I look at my life over just the past week or so, what I have written here, what my short term memories contain, and possible patterns that might exist. My own impression of myself is that I have been pretty scatter-brained lately. Diverting my attention from this, to that, to something else. The way of the multi-tasked Internet fiend.

It's like I'll open up a Salon article, read 2 paragraphs, find the content interesting, yet somehow my automated boredom &quon;need something new" routine will kick in anyway, and in a flash, another mozilla tab will be open, that which was fascinating a moment ago will be virtually forgotten (until I wander back to it later while going through my open tabs), and I'll be hunting again for something of interest on another site. Repeat the pattern.

Historically, this is the type of pattern, when escalated to a ridiculous extreme (in all facets of life, not just web browsing) that spirals into a manic episode. I don't want it to go there.

It's like the state of my world at any given moment sometimes seems to hinge on the quantity and arrangement of my mozilla tabs, xterms, ssh sessions, and xmms queue. Am I losing it? Maybe I just need to find more/better recreational outlets or something.

I love that song. I don't just like it, I fucking love it.

Another sign. An excessive attachment to music, which, depending on your perspective, might be said to go beyond healthy apprecation, and into the realm of utter obsession. Thus, my self-diagnosis throws up another possible warning sign. Nothing conclusive, just another little piece of a picture.

scott and some other people I've been working with say I've been doing a really good job at my non-job. That could be a good sign, because if other people see me as doing well, it could mean that all this self-doubt I'm having right now is just me blowing things out of proportion. OTOH, it could also be a bad thing, because a manic episode almost always (for me) begins with a period of highly productive, highly focused activity, where nothing appears to be awry.

I can see now that I'm driving myself crazy trying to reason about this. If shit happens, it happens. If not, then it will be something to be thankful for. All I can really do is take each moment for what it is, operate in the here and now, and let the future work itself out.

P.S. Grandma is sicker again. Mom might be taking another trip to Chicago tomorrow. Talk is that she might be dying, but there have been so many false alarms about that before, my emotional reaction is less than it might be. For that, I wonder if I am callous. Bah. I was going to try to get some work done tonight, but... I think I just need to zone or something.