It's started to get really cold here for the first time this season. Layers of ice on the windshield. News about bad roads in the mountains. The feeling of winter. My feet are cold.

Strangely, the smell of smoke permeated the air outside. Either it had something to do with this, or someone had a really toasty one going in their fireplace nearby. I'm guessing the latter.

Watched Tru Calling. (I'd better have, after my last mini-rambling.) I liked it. Comparisons to Run Lola Run are apt. Will watch again next week, and probably every week thereafter until Fox cancels it.

As I approach the 1 year anniversary of the time I was first hired at King Soopers -- a job I took out of desperation as much as anything (cause face it, the pay sucked, the work sucked, the customers sucked, etc) -- I've been contemplating whether it would be a good idea to go back and ask if they have any openings again. Crazy.

But which is really worse, that shitty job, which at least allowed me something that almost resembled an income, or the strange limbo I find myself in right now? Resumes and applications I have sent out, both for jobs locally and elsewhere, have gone unanswered. Hell, I don't even know for sure if they have any openings in the deli, but if they did, at least having a good rep with the manager would give me a leg up.

So I guess the real question is this: Exactly how desperate do I need to become before I try for that option?

The buildmeasite work I've been sometimes doing, and occassionally getting paid for, has so far kept me from completely sinking into the "invoice past due" category. That's both a good thing and a bad thing. It's a good thing for obvious reasons. At least it's something.

It's a bad thing because it keeps me in this limbo. If I were really, truly, completely broke and unable to pay any of my bills, at least then I would know for certain that it's time to swallow the bitter truth, go back to the deli, and get on with my non-life. As it is, the bitter truth stays in my mouth, can't be spit out, but I never quite swallow it either. Yuck.

And I keep hoping that maybe if I get lucky, someone will notice that I've sent them a resume, and that even if I don't have 100% of the more obscure qualifications listed, I can be both resourceful and a quick learner. Oh, but how would anyone know that simply by reading my resume? Right. They wouldn't. Then how is it that even when I do every single desired qualification, they still don't seem interested in me? What is wrong with this picture?

But I ramble. I hate coming off as whining and bitchy. I know that's exactly how all this sounds. So I should just stop it and shut up. Grrrr....

Ok, 3 deep breaths.

I should be happy that I have as much as I do. Happy that I have loving parents who care about me enough to take me in during these rocky times. Happy that I have a car that's all paid off. Happy that I'm not lying in a gutter somewhere. Happy that I can still sometimes enjoy a good tv show, movie, or night at the club.

I don't know where the balance is.

I think a good share of my ongoing angst also results from guilt as much as anything. I hate being a freeloader. And these days, in addition to bumming room and board off my parents, the overwhelming bulk of my food comes from them as well. At least when I worked at the grocery store, I was pulling my own weight in that department. Now, no longer. And I just feel awful every time I get hungry, going to one of their fridges to look for something. Even though they've said I'm welcome to it, it still doesn't feel quite right. I hate myself sometimes.

For some reason, I found this little story inspiring.

Well, I was hoping to end this on a more up note. But I think that link is as good as we're going to get. So, over and out.