My mind has been flipping in and out of "end of the world" mode during the past couple days.

When I go into end of the world mode, I envision some of the worst possible scenarios that my life could take, and then panic as if they are about to become real. Unfortunately, at this stage, there is altogether too much factual data to support the notion that some these undesirable scenarios might just be around the corner, so a little bit of panic might be warranted.

The panic? That in two months, I'm going to end up penniless, unable to pay my rent, unable to get a job because no one will hire me (for some reason, according to current current theory, potential employers in the food service industry seem to find me "overqualified"; bah), and hungry on the streets, with a $3K debt still looming over my shoulder which I am unable to pay.

These sorts of ideas trigger all sorts of not-so-nice emotional reactions, most of which aren't very helpful in improving the situation. There's the "let's get mega-depressed because life is a shithole" moments. Those do not help or motivate me toward improvement. It also feels downright miserable to wallow in such self-pity. Fortunately, such vibes have not overwhelmed me as of yet.

Then there's the "self-destruct in a big bang" thoughts. The logic goes that if things are going to hell anyway, let's at least have fun with it, and make a nice loud noise while I'm at it. Again, I've managed to keep these vibes in check enough to prevent myself from causing harm to myself, others, or property.

Well, maybe a little bit of damage to my own eardrums. (When the need becomes that great, I use my own headphones so as not to piss off the neighbors.)

Mental discipline. Maintaining mental discipline in the midst of turmoil and chaos is critical.

And then there's buildmeasite. Some work which will get me through enough to pay the rent for the next month or two, and help to create the software for a cool business founded by a nut who actually seems to have a chance of making it work.

A fairly nice gig, in many regards. Enjoyable stuff, although sometimes it is challenging to motivate myself to actually work when I'm sitting here at my home computer. But still, it's only temporary, so I gotta seek the elusive employment. :(

Today, after hearing another "we'll call you if we need you for the position", the thought of going homeless and making Tobias my home for a while after my lease runs out actually did occur to me in a semi-serious way.

Why not? $0 rent. Stock the trunk full of rations, find an abandoned parking lot somewhere, and live for a while. At least I don't have any payments due on that loan until late next summer.

Where to go from there? I dunno. Wait it out until economic conditions improve? If I do try to get a normal job and residence again, after having lived in a parking lot for 6 months, what do I tell any potential employer/landlord who asks where I lived/worked?

"Um... yeah, I lived with a friend, and did some independent consulting for anonymous clients."

lol.

Hmmm.... speaking of independent consulting and anonymous clients... I think I need to be calling someone soon. But nevermind that.

Ever since discussing the interactive online webpage building idea with scottgalvin.com last week, my mind has been toying with how to implement it. (It would be called buildmeasite for a reason, right?) I think I've got enough of an idea now that I could start writing some perl modules. Having confirmed with Jaeger that the total completion of the backend is not immediately urgent at this point, I may begin with the builder code this evening.

Turn up the techno beats, and drive my brain into code mode.

Earlier this evening, I was watching Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation Compilation DVD again. Those are some awesome videos. All the songs on the DVD were taken from the decade-old hit factory known as the Rhythm Nation 1814 album. So many good songs from one album, that they were able to fill a dvd with the music videos.

The messages in the songs and images are a mix of social activism and promoting racial equality, combined with a heavy dose of hedonism, and good old sappy pop themes.

Readers who were around last months may or may not remember that I staged a contest in which I posted an ogg file, and awarded an amazon.com gift certificate to the first person who correctly identified the artist and album from which the song came.

I know I awarded the prize to Linknoid, but I don't think I ever mentioned why I used the track in the contest. Besides just sounding "mysterious" (hence good material for a contest), the words on the opening Interlude/Pledge track to the Rhythm Nation album also hit me in a new place when I listened to them again. They could be interpreted as having gained a new meaning for me, as I again really listened to an album I hadn't been into since over a decade ago.

We are a nation with no geographic boundries, bound together through our beliefs. We are like-minded individuals, sharing a common vision, pushing toward a world rid of color-lines.

Maybe I just read too many artiles from Wired back in the days before the dot com bubble took off, but to me, in addition to pushing racial equality, those words also sound like they could be describing an idealist's vision of the Internet, circa '95 or '96. Maybe '97.

A "nation with no geographic boundries", consisting of "like-minded individuals sharing a common vision". It almost sounds like something that could have come out of some EFF literature. But this album was written and published before most of the population had heard of the Internet.

And how 'bout the closing words at the end of the album:

In complete darkness we are all the same. It is only our knowledge and wisdom that separates us. Don't let your eyes deceive you.

I dig that prose.

I'm now going to attempt to multitask irc and writing perl modules, so I shall remove this rambling from brain's my process table.