I want to go outside for a little while today. I stayed indoors all day yesterday, and never set foot out of my apartment. Job or no job, this is not healthy.

Oh yeah, and the club sunday night sucked. There were like even less people than there had been on previous Sundays, and the music wasn't even that good this time. Ok, the music was fine. But it still sucks when the staff outnumber the patrons, and nobody at all is dancing. The bartender said they had done some great business on Saturday "fetish" night though. One of these weekends, if I'm a little less unemployed, maybe I'll check that out.

Right now, I just want my life to be out of this incredible rut which has permeated the past month. Even though I've done some work on buildmeasite, I can't help but feel like a useless pile of shit in here. Not true. At least I've got this silly web page to write on, which some people apparently find entertaining. That's something. Pathetic, isn't it?

In a way, I almost wish the week were over, one way or another. Even if I didn't have a job, and it meant I had to move out, at least something would be happening. That's better than enduring this stateless void, as my life hangs in the balance, and I feel powerless to do anything about it.

I guess that's largely because I think I might have a job offer coming, but I can't know for sure. I just wish they'd hurry up and let me know, one way or the other. I hate having to sit and wonder. I hate being broke. I hate the fact that I currently have more free time than ever, but somehow find myself more stressed out anyway. In this state, it is increasingly difficult to enjoy my abundant time or put it to good use, due to all the uncertainty as to whether I'll even have a place to stay next month.

If I knew that there was a decent job where I could start work next month, even if it wasn't going to happen for a few weeks, I theorize I would be far less of a sporadic looney than I am right now. For one thing, I could plan my financial expenditures with some degree of awareness. Even if I get a job immediately, it's going to be tight for the next couple months, but at least I could make an intelligently informed decision about which bills I should pay now, which ones let slide just a bit, and how much I can spend at the grocery store. As it is, I'm flying blind.

I wish it would all just hurry up and crash down, if that's what's going to happen. Zero out all my balances, kick me out of my apartment, and tell me I am now a useless, unemployable piece of driftwood garbage, which just happened to float in and out with the dot com tide. At least then I would know for sure.

I suppose I should be careful what I wish for.

I wish I could get that job I interviewed for, which will allow me to stay in my apartment, make payments on my car, and still afford a few of the must-have DVDs which are released on a semi-monthly basis. Even if it turns out to be a meaningless, unsatisfying, repetitious position at my mom's company, at least it will be a job. I wish for this.

Again, be careful.

Is there no way to win in the wishing game?

What makes life worth living? This is a question I have pondered, especially during the past few months, through the highs and lows. What is the most important goal to achieve? Wherein lies happiness?

I have no definitive answer for this question right now. I'm inclined to say that a likely answer is something along the lines of finding connections with other people who seek similar answers, sharing the experiences with them, and taking just a few steps of the journey together with kindred souls, even if that kinship lasts only a moment, before the paths again lead in separate directions.

Oh well. That's my thought for the day. I think I'll step out and get a little fresh air.

My internal tv schedule chronometer informs me that Season Premiere of Buffy airs tonight. That will be one to watch.

The buildmeasite builder... Much work required. It feels overwhelming to me right now. But I'll tackle at least a little more of it this afternoon, as I did yesterday afternoon. I believe that with time and dedication, it will evolve into something genuinely useful. I can do this. I know I can.

Peace. Out.