Let's begin tonight's "content" by transcribing the lyrics of some music I was listening to a few minutes ago. Help set the mood. This could be a dark one. Then again, maybe not.

Grab track 3 from this disc, for anyone who cares to listen. (Don't know the password? Find someone who does. But don't post it publicly. If it leaks too far, and/or I get paranoid, I'll change it.)

Broken is the angriest, most burningly rageful album of Trent's career, every song glistening with indignant intensity. It was written and recorded during a period when he had become so fed up with the corporate record publishing system that he and flood went out and created all the songs in secret, rather than be dogged by money-hungry record "producers" who wanted to turn the band into a multi-million selling pop act. (The fact that Nine Inch Nails eventually did become a multi-million selling act despite itself is, in a way, kind of ironic. Don't you think?)

During various periods of my own life, this album has proven to be one of my favorites. The orange cardboard cd case is worn around the edges from years of use. It's been hauled around in my black backpack countless times. Through its lifetime, it's been on countless bus rides, long walks, car trips, and played on three different portable players. It's been ripped onto hard drives at least two, maybe three times. I love listening to it.

But only at certain times. Sometimes, when I try to listen to it while not in the right mood, the music just doesn't grab me. It's too hard, too dissonant. I mean I can "listen" to it at anytime, but really getting into it, on a deep personal level, is another matter. My brain only attunes to it during certain alignments of the planets, or something.

Right now is one of those times.

(For those who totally want to go nuts, the successor / reinterpretation / remix of Broken, Fixed, will really jam your eardrums.)

Today, during the job hunt, I felt the pinch of frustration. I handed job applications to people who, while friendly and smiling, simply didn't have a clue about the urgency of my situation. There's no reason they should. They're good, decent people, doing their jobs. I don't fault them for that.

But here's my complex: Underneath my smile, I want to scream at them. "Quit patronizing me, and take me seriously, dammit! If I don't get money somehow, I won't be able to pay the rent in October. I'm a good worker. I'm honest. I'm competent. I'm a quick learner. Can't you read what I wrote on the application? Can't you tell by looking at me that I'm telling the truth? No!?!? Grrrrrraaarrr!"

Maybe the number I wrote under the "desired wage" item was too high when I applied at the pizza place. Calculated out, it was less than half of the hourly amount I was making at my last job. But still, maybe too much. Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they will call me back. I just don't know.

Inevitably, the question arises: "Why did I lose my last job? It wasn't that bad, was it? I mean, maybe a few aspects sucked, but the pay was decent, it wasn't too hard, and I was good at it. So why did I ditch it?"

Yes, technically, they fired me. But it was me who wanted to get out of there, really. Regardless of who really forwarded what to whom, it was my own words which got me kicked. I just ended up leaving a lot sooner than I had planned.

The "reason" they gave for getting rid of me was a bunch of loosely thrown together excuses, created to get rid of me as cheaply as legally possible. Logically, looking at the "evidence" again, the reasoning is nonsensical. Company policies can be twisted and "interpreted" to mean just about anything the people in power want them to. Get used to it.

So what was the real reason they wanted me out? The reason they couldn't give, because it wouldn't justify such a hasty termination?

Well, I had told them I was planning to quit in January. Could that be it? For a while, I thought so. But upon further reflection, it doesn't quite work. Other people have quit their jobs. Maybe their notice wasn't quite so long term. But in any case, they weren't shown the exit door with such hasty "goodbye, and you're gone NOW, and don't ever come back."

No, the reason for my firing was something else. I think I figured it out today. I think I know why they had to get rid of me with such urgency. Obviously, I can't read minds, so this is all speculation. Based on my judgement of human behavior, I think this is fairly accurate.

They wanted me out because I wasn't buying the company line anymore, and I wasn't afraid to express it.

Thinking about the people who were "lost" back in May, many of them they had more in common than just having maybe higher salaries (hence more "savings") than others. They were the rabble rousers. The loud ones. The people who would have spoken out if something Bad[tm] was being done.

I'm not just thinking about my own department here. The cuts were company-wide. (I think the press release said 30%.) People in other departments who were vocal, excited about life, and able to motivate others. People who told lots of jokes. But these people would not necassarily tow whatever bullshit was spewed out by the publicity machine. They were gone.

The place seemed like a ghost town after the layoffs. Just listening to the ambient sound in the air days after the event during those early June days, it sounded more like 80% might be gone. I'm not naming names, but I believe it was because the people who really brought most of the happy chatter and talk were the ones who had been selected for the budget cuts.

A pattern, or a coincidence? Maybe there's no conspiracy. I don't know. Probably not. Still, a mind like mine wonders.

Then, but weeks later, after telling everyone that the company just can't afford to keep 1/3rd of the employees who played real productive roles in creating the product, there is suddenly money to hire a new wave of marketing and sales drones?!?! New faces appearing almost everyday, it seemed. Clean, bright looking people who would be able sell enough to turn things around.

How DUMB do they think we are?

What does a logical person think under such circumstances? For all I know, maybe next month, another 30% of the programmers will no longer be deemed necessary. But the COMPANY will succeed, and that's the important thing, right? Right.

So no, I wasn't buying the bullshit. For some reason, after returning from my vacation, I wasn't in the mood to pretend I was buying the bullshit either.

So with that in mind, I'm not sorry I lost my job. I do have reason to be concerned about my own financial future during the coming months, because I simply hadn't planned to be gone this quickly at all. It's gonna be a struggle.

I've got the temporary work with buildmeasite. That will be something for a little while.

The challenge there is to focus my mind enough to get things accomplished. When one is constantly worrying about how the rent is going to be paid through the end of lease, whether there will be enough to cover the electric bill (Should I turn the air conditioning down to save a bit? I haven't done so yet, but maybe I should.), and whether I should buy food, eat more or less, or start rationing "good" items like fruit and cheese, it turns into a sort of neurosis.

When neurosis sets in, things don't get better. Left unchecked, they get worse. As for trying to get deep into concentrating on writing code, while all these worries press at my brain continuously? Forget about it. (Anyone else see Donnie Brasco way back when?)

So... I need to get things together. "How" is a very pertinent question. It's one I haven't completely answered yet.

I've been having trouble living in the present, as they say. My worries contstantly flash forward to how I'm going to survive through the month of October. And November? Where will I live after this? It's all spinning around in my head, and I don't know what to do.

Maybe it's time to read some Alan Watts again.

One idea, which I think I may pursue, at least for a while, if possible: Head back up into manic mode for a while. I know that most psychological practitioners would probably freak at the very mention of such a notion. Intentionally driving oneself back into a state of mania? Could it even be done? And even if it is possible, if things go wrong, say hello to the mental ward.

For the past few weeks, I have been consciously (to the best of my ability, with the help of some chemicals) guiding my mind back down into a steady, slow path of routine stability. This was what I planned to do. This was what I wanted to do. But that plan was created before I knew I would be without a job. Revision is necessary.

The state I'm in right now would be fine if I had a sustainable, stable routine. I've been sleeping nights, staying mostly awake during the days, and getting a reasonable (but not excessive) amount of exercise.

Problem is: So far, this mode doesn't seem to be effective to get me what I need. I need a job. I need to get coding done. I need to plan, and revise my existing plans. What I've got simply isn't realistic anymore.

At the same time, everything I do needs to be done with extreme care. Even more extreme care than I exercised a few weeks ago. Risks will be taken, but they must not be taken foolishly or lightly. Think, reconsider, re-evaluate at every step. Then, when I'm absolutely sure. I must execute my plan without hesitation.

It's time to rev the engines back up. I cannot go into a passive rest mode yet. I know that's what I said I was going to do. That mode works well when you're in an office everyday, sitting in a cubicle, performing specified tasks. But it won't work now.

I have to reconsider my plan to try to buy a home after my lease is up. I don't believe it's realistic anymore. (lol at the link Jaeger posted yesterday.) A few more months down the road, if I've found something with a steady decent income I can live with, it might be.

I still think I'll probably be moving out of here in November. I theorize that I can find a cheaper place that's still livable. With each lease renewal, the rent has gradually gone up ever since I moved in. Unless something about the situation changes unexpectedly, I'll plan to move out, and find another residence with lower rent.

Although it's now become a much larger economic strain, I still want to keep the promise to see "her" again. Not only did I tell myself that I would, I also told her in a phone conversation nearly 3 weeks ago. Maybe she wouldn't even remember, but I would. I know some people probably think I'm nuts. Maybe they think I've lost my mind ever since that rambling I wrote on July 29. It's hard to explain.

I don't love her. At least not in terms of being "in love" with somebody. But shit. She gave me my first time. That is something, whether there's money involved or not. It's a big something. I'd be damned if I didn't at least go back, having reflected a little more, and utter a heartfelt "thanks." And then fuck her again, the right way, out of sheer gratitude. Or maybe not gratitude. Maybe just my own selfish fun.

In any case, it's a loose end that needs to be dealt with, if it is at all within my power. It'll mean dipping into the meager savings, but it will be worth it.

I've been thinking I would do it after I get the part time service industry job I've been looking for, both because of economic concerns, and because it would be a nice "reward" after a successful job hunt. Schedule an appointment the day somebody says "you're hired." It would be a good way to energize for the new work ahead. :)

But what if this job simply isn't to be found in time? What if the middle of September rolls around, and I find that nobody wants to hire a washed up programmer to mind the cash register? What then? Well.... I dunno.

Maybe at that point, it's time to "think outside the box". Whatever that means.

Despite my attempts to be cogent, I do seem to have rambled mindlessly and aimlessly through yet another piece of so-called "content".

So, to summarize, here's the short term plan: Turn up the mental burners again. I don't know exactly how much is possible, nor do I want to push things so far that I wind up in a cell somewhere. But a little more fire is needed. Use music. Use chemicals. Use "motivational" techniques. Use mental focus. Hack my wetwear. Hack my hind.

Oh, BTW, Psychodyne rules. Everybody should buy something from them. They are way cool. When I ordered from them a few weeks ago (again, back when I was still employed), I brainlessly forgot to include my apartment number in the shipping address. (So says the paypal records.)

Last week, having still not received my order, I looked again and figured out my mistake, and emailed their support. Not only are they going to resend the package free of charge, but the email from the "PSYCHODYNE Order Drones" said that they will include a reminder that "YOUR WORK MAKES SOMEONE ELSE RICH", so I won't feel too bad about being "gainfully unemployed."

Again, everyone: Buy something from Psychodyne. It's easy. It's cheap. It's cool. It makes someone else rich. Goodie.

Now I need sleep. Goodnight.