So a wise man once said. (Except for the "once" part.)

If I am to guess, I would venture that this little "Bitscape/Mentor Rift" saga is not among the most joy-inspiring bits of content I've posted. I don't want to be bringing content vulture land (or any other land, for that matter) down with my miseries. Yes, this is MY web page, and I write about I want to. So maybe I'm the one who's getting tired of being brought down by my miseries. In any case, I'd like to bring some temporary closure to this topic tonight. That's not to say I won't mention it again in the coming days or weeks, because I probably will. I just don't want negativity to become the overarching focus of this web page for an extended period of time. So, closure...

I went for a brief walk out in the fresh dark air a few minutes ago. I wanted to clear my mind, and hopefully regain some perspective on life. The first area I decided needs immediately: I need to stop punishing myself. I was cruel. I was awful. I was vicious. I was mean. My mind has been dwelling on that for most of the day. And a LONG day it has been. It's still Tuesday! It feels like it should be Thursday or something, just because of the way this agony has stretched out for such a period.

There is this part of me that believes my agony should continue. That if I don't keep hurting, that I will somehow not be fulfilling my just sentence. I hurt my mentor, so I should hurt. I should hurt until granted forgiveness, and even then, hurt a little longer. (In fact, deep down in the twisted caverns of my soul, there's this logic which says that maybe, just maybe, if I hurt even worse, forgiveness will be more forthcoming.) What I did was so wrong, that I deserve to hurt. I should hurt. It's only right and fair. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt. HURT.

Newsflash: Mentor is GONE. For the near future, at LEAST. My apology was rejected. I gotta deal with the consequences, or so my mentor says. My mentor is usually right. There is no forgiveness. There is no redemption. There is no salvation through adding self-inflicted wounds on top of damage that has already been done.

I need to STOP torturing myself, and get on with life. Quit telling myself that I'm not allowed to enjoy my music anymore, that I'm not allowed to be comfortable in this chair, or that I shouldn't read my new book because doing so would be an act of enjoyment, and I don't deserve enjoyment anymore. What a load of horse shit.

I still feel terrible about what I did. I cannot allow it to disrupt my life forever. If my pain ends before that which I inflicted upon my mentor, does it make my crime worse? Philosophical question to ponder. In the scheme of things, is the pain of the victem lessened by the punishment suffered by the wrongdoer? Or, in more simple, common terms: Do two wrongs make a right?

I'm not sure I have TIME to ponder and argue these questions. Isn't life short enough already? Assuming the answer is, "Yes. The wrongdoer should be punished more, just to experience the pain of it." Is it really worthwhile to spend our lives trying to calculate who deserves to suffer how much based of who did what to whom? So at the end of it, we all die, everyone having experienced their allotment of suffering, fair and square. Oh yea. That's really something to celebrate.

A lovely tangent I managed to pursue there, eh? Point being: I've gotta get on with life. Quit worrying about how much damage I did to my mentor. (ESPECIALLY given that any further assessment is now futile, the communication lines having been cut from the other end. An act which I don't begrudge, given the circumstances.)

I'm going to sleep soon, and I might even listen to a little music. And enjoy it. Thank you.

Now, the other point I wanted to get to, before we end this in the style of a Second Act Conclusion: How this ugly saga began. There were many factors. I'm going to focus on one that I recognized clearly tonight. The reason for my choice of the title of this rambling.

What happened? Communication breakdown. Not so much in the words themselves, but in the intent behind them. A portion of the parting statements left by my mentor consisted of an explanation of motives and reasons. I read these words carefully, and thought back to my own thoughts when it had been happening. Guess what I discovered?

We BOTH misunderstood each other. Quite badly. Not the words themselves, but the meanings and objectives behind them. I think we each assumed that we knew what the other meant and was trying to get at. We acted upon those assumptions instead of communicating them. (I'm using the word "we" fairly liberally, and presumptiously perhaps. Based on what my mentor said though, I don't think I'm misrepresenting it.) We each kept trying harder to sway the other to our respective objectives. We thought we had opposing purposes, but a deeper investigation reveals that such was not the case.

Tension mounted, a few sparks flew, and yours truly did one of the stupidist things he's done in recent memory. All over a stupid misunderstanding or three. Now, it's plain to see. AFTER the damage has been dealt. (Why am I suddenly getting flashbacks to the technical intracies surrounding the order of operations in Magic: The Gathering?)

If and when my mentor returns, I'm going to propose another idea in response to the "double and triple-thinking my words as they hit the keyboard." (Mentor, if you're reading this, you can silently ponder.) What if we BOTH actually pay attention to what the OTHER is saying, or trying to say? Double, and triple-think about the OTHER person's intended intentions. Consider the meaning, and if it isn't clear, ASK what was meant, instead of [I'm talking mostly to myself now] letting the anger build to the point that it explodes in an uncontrolled burst of vitriol and spite.

Things to think about.

I hereby declare myself as released from my self-imposed sentence of self-bashing. (That doesn't mean I'm going to stop thinking or considering what all this might mean, or what else I can learn from it.) I am DONE with the self-flagellation. If my mentor thinks I have not yet suffered sufficient penance, well.... Come back and deal it yourself. Otherwise, I'll consider myself on my own until such time as we've both had a chance to recoup.

Okay, I think that curtain can fall now. A learning experience indeed. I need some rest. A little music. And maybe a little flame. Or, given the heavy state of my eyelids, maybe just straight to rest. A moment away...