Some considerations

Begin: Tuesday, May 4, 1999 10:09

Submitted: Tuesday, May 4, 1999 11:05

It has come to my attention (through Neelix, and my web logs now confirm) that a certain professor of mine has started reading these pages. While it's flattering to find that my words are being spread so far and wide, it also raises some issues regarding the posterity of this section.

When I started writing here, I was able to be so open and frank thanks largely to the fact that I knew nobody else was reading it. I originally created this section with the intent of having it carry site news, interesting links of the day, and perhaps some commentary on current events. (See the bottom part of an earlier version of this site to see what I mean.)

As I got used to using the system, however, it became easy to just spout about whatever was happening in my life. Gradually, it started morphing into a sort of diary, and before long I was typing stuff that would normally get the "chmod 600" immediately. I briefly considered making a "private" field, which would hide a given entry from the public, but decided against it, since this was really designed to be a forum for me to express myself publicly, and I didn't want to have to sit and figure out what and what not to censor.

So it continued, and low and behold, people started reading. First it was a friend who discovered that I was considering CU next semester. Later, it was someone else apologizing for something they had done or said which I had mentioned in one of the entries. Now, it's being read by one of my teachers. I feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew.

I could have 1000 people I've never met read everything here (and there) and it wouldn't phase me. It's certain people I do know, specifically people I've either written about (I make it a policy to never mention any last names other than my own), eluded to, or am keeping secrets from that make things tricky. (There was an especially awkward situation a little over a year ago when my grandparents revealed that they had seen my first web page. Yes, the one about Madonna.)

So why is it that people like us feel so comfortable revealing every secret to the whole Internet, but the same topics mentioned face-to-face make us red in the face? I think it has something to do with the fact that we feel like we literally are in a different world. A world less critical, a world without the prejudice, the intimidation, the malice of... reality. I believe that it was for this same reason that the CDA was hated so personally by many of us. Beyond being an attack on freedom of speech, a horrible enough offense by itself, it was an intrusion, an attack, by the old world to attempt to enforce itself on this newly discovered territory of mental freedom.

But I digress. The question is, now that I must assume that everything I write here can and probably will be read by everyone I know, have met, or will meet, how honest can I really be? How can I write entries worrying, "Oh, wait a second. This person might read this, so I better not say anything bad about them. Uh oh, if I talk about how much I hate such-and-such class and my teacher reads it, how might that affect my grade?"

Even if I don't consciously do things differently, the ambient fear may unconsciously affect what I write. How can this be prevented? To be honest, I don't know if it can. I don't have answers right now. Just questions. I'll have to give this more thought in the coming days. Right now, I've got a headache and need some time to think.