A difficult subject

Begin: Saturday, May 1, 1999 01:21

Submitted: Saturday, May 1, 1999 02:50

After giving myself an emotional rest from reading about the Littleton Massacre (see last entry), working a bit on my CD Corner database (still nothing to see publicly, but it's coming along), and helping Neelix resolve a minor crisis with the fridge (it got unplugged without our knowledge some time ago, and nobody noticed), my mind has now drifted to a subject I seldom talk about, online or elsewhere (is this sentence too long?). I'm hesitant even to write about it here now. The only reason I do is because it is an issue that needs to be addressed in my life, and what better place to sort things out mentally than here, in my online therapy session? :) The topic at hand? ...[deep breath]... Romance.

I have no love life. I don't have a girlfriend. I don't date. I guess I fit the stereotypical image of a socially inept computer/scifi geek.

Nor am I complaining about it. I enjoy being single, independent, free. My status as a single is largely intentional. Quite frankly, much of what I perceive of the dating scene disgusts me. The pretentiousness, the smalltalk, the excessive focus on what amounts to a facade. I know it's also possible to get past all that. With time, the external fronts would (hopefully) fade as you get to know someone well. It's getting to that point that seems to be the stickler.

While this putting on of false fronts is certainly less than desirable, it couldn't be a strong enough deterrant by itself. There's something even more insidious about this whole ritual, something which threatens at my very core. It has to do with identity. Or the fear of losing it, perhaps. A feeling most succinctly articulated in the Tori Amos song, Mother. (which I'd link to if I had my CD Corner up. Soon, very soon...)

Now that I've briefly attempted to express my trepidations with the matter, I'll try to (briefly, 'cause sleep sometime soon appeals) throw up some explanation of why a sea change may be in order; maybe sooner, maybe later.

I want to live life to its fullest. What this entails can mean a whole slew of different things, depending on the situation. I think that in my situation, with where I am in life, it is going to mean finding a... significant other? lover? friend? partner? (Doh! The last three words are in the Sympathetic Character chorus. I didn't mean to, really. If you don't know what I'm talking about, just accept being lost and move on.) Anyway, the time for me to find that someone is at hand, and I just wanted to spew about it.

It is getting way late, and my brain is starting to feel like swiss cheese (or maybe velveeta). And we all know what trying to write about these things in such a state can lead to, so I think I'll quite while I'm wherever this is.

Disclamer: These late night ramblings do not necessarily reflect Bitscape's official position on matters of sex, love, dating, or any other topic related to the art of relating to the opposite gender (or, depending on your orientation, a gender other than the opposite gender), and as such, should not be interpreted as policy statements, endorsements, or bear any status other than that which would constitute a Random Rambling.