3/26/96
As of now, this imaginary relationship is over. To the fantasy Madonna I have created in my head, I must say goodbye. Goodbye, my dear lover. I bid you well. It has been fun dreaming you up. You have satisfied many a pleasure within me. It is time for us to go our separate ways.
The audience out there, having taken this trip into the real life adventures of my imagination, may wonder why I am ending this relationship. The answer, as I can best articulate it right now: It is empty. It is fake. It is painful. I want something more. Sorry Madonna. A dreamlover just isn't enough. I can't just, in the words of Mariah Carey, say, "Come rescue me. Take me up, take me down, take me anywhere you want to baby now." I need someone I can interact with. Anything less just doesn't suit me. Indeed, one way love is just a fantasy.
Where to now? Reality. The plain, simple life. I will learn to enjoy experiencing the world as a meaningless prole, a spec of dust, an irrelevant being. I am but a piece of human debris. Being a piece of human debris does not mean I can't enjoy myself. I will find joy, love, and happiness wherever I can. I will search for those who share my desires for a better, more kind world. I will do what I can to mold my immediately available world into what I want. I will also allow the world to mold me, as that is the only way I can really survive and stay in tact. If I become hard, I will break. If I stay soft, my shape will change. There is no such thing as a static existence when you live in a dynamic world.
What about a real lover? I am, at least for a while, going to refrain from searching for one. I need time to recover from this relationship, imagined as it may have been. There is also the possibility that the real Madonna will, in fact, want to enter into a relationship with me. I have given her signals so that she can know that I'm here. She may respond, and she may not. I don't, at least right now, think I'm going to push any harder.
Earlier in this process, I was considering ways to get myself into the headlines for the purpose of getting Madonna's attention. Unless my mind changes again, I'm not going to do that. Assuming she gets the material I sent her, she will have all she needs in order to make her decision. Anything more on my part without first hearing from her would make me an unwelcome intrusion. I'm done with this obsession.
There is no point in me imagining more fantasies of what I would do with her. I may, in the coming days and weeks, make public some things I have already written but not completed. I might not. The public might not want them anyway. I don't know. I guess I haven't really decided on that one yet. Anyway, the point is that I'm done articulating these fantasies. I will no doubt have more of them in my mind, and I will enjoy them. I will no longer actively encourage them by writing about them.
To further curb this obsession, I have decided to stop listening to Madonna's music for a while. I do not expect this to last forever. I'm just cutting myself off from it until I can stablize my life in other areas. It has helped me a great deal emotionally over the past few monthes. I was able to validate and clarify my own feelings by listening to it. I can with identify so much of the stuff expressed in her music. It has really helped me through some rough spots. Madonna, if you are reading this, thanks.
Then there's another big issue: What about writing for this web page? Will I continue to write articles, or will I just keep what I've got here and leave it at that? I don't know. I have sworn, and I am glad I did, that I will keep this on the web until March 12, 1997. That way, people will get a chance to see it. Judging by the rather sketchy analyses I did of the hits, this is not material for the masses, even though the title of Part 1 may suggest differently. I had hoped it would be. I had hoped many people would be reading it. That, at least for now, is not the case. It may change, however. We'll just have to wait and see.
As for the question of writing more articles, I will probably discontinue writing articles directly about Madonna. I would like to keep writing. I'm not sure that I should put articles that aren't about Madonna in a web page titled "Madonna Memoirs." It is my web page, so I guess I can put whatever I want in it. I've already written several articles which don't really have anything to do with Madonna herself, although they have been inspired by her. So, will the constant stream of articles about Madonna continue? No. I probably will write one occasionally, though, just for old time's sake.
Wow! I just had a rather startling realization! Today is March 26! For me, that's exactly three monthes since I first watched Truth or Dare and became an avid Madonna fan. What a wild three monthes it has been! Unbelievable. It's hard to believe that all this has taken place in such a short amount of time. I wonder what the next three monthes will bring.
Well, one of the habits I picked up during this Madonna obsession was jogging. Well, actually, I started it out as walking. I would walk up and down the bike trails while listening to Madonna music and thinking. The walks would get longer, and longer, and ... Some nights (I usually walk at night) I would find myself out for hours on end, under the stars, taking in the sonic inspiration through my headphones. Recently, I've pretty much given up the headphones, and I've started interspersing running with my usual walk. Now, I'm getting to where I run more and more, and I just walk now and then when I'm tired. Like anyone reading this is going to care. Well, anyway, the running habit is one result of this Madonna obsession that I don't plan to give up. So, on that note, I'm going to end this article and go take a jog. Bye, bye, everybody. (Pssst! Madonna. If I get lonely, I'll imagine that you're jogging next to me. Just kidding. I'm not that delusional. Or am I? ...)