3/23/96
4:13 a.m. I just woke up from bed. This whole thing now seems like a hopeless pursuit. I've been thinking for days about how I'm going to get Madonna's attention. Why? She's a far away superstar, a dream, a fantasy. Why do I waste my time and energy trying to pursue her? Right now, it's miserable. All these articles and letters I've been printing out to send to her are probably just going to end up in some repository somewhere with about a zillion other letters. If I had just been content to be a regular fan, maybe I wouldn't feel so shitty. It's like I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Why do I do this to myself?
Well, three monthes ago, I was feeling pretty shitty too. I had no hopes, no aspirations. I was waiting to die. The whole world and everything in it just seemed so undesirable. Now, that which is desirable seems so out of reach. Do I keep reaching, or do I just settle down and enjoy the lesser pleasures? It just seems like Madonna is like one in a trillion, and she seems perfect for me. Maybe this is my ego talking, but I think I would also be perfect for her. It just feels right, both instinctively and logistically. There's probably a million other guys that feel exactly the same way, though. I don't know.
It's like she puts up this front which says, "I've been looking all my life for the perfect man. The man who will love me unconditionally, listen to me, talk to me, trust me, have faith in me, and be unafraid to touch me even when I'm being unattractive and bitchy." It seems impossible that she couldn't have found such a man after all these years. It must just be a ploy to draw audience members. Yet there's a part of me that believes it's not. There's a part of me that believes she hasn't, in all these years, found someone she can really be with, someone who understands her, someone who truly loves her. How could that be? A big hoax or a plea for love? There's no way to know.
It's also possible that there are many such guys who have tried, and she's just rejected them all. This just doesn't feel good. It's like there's no one who can relate to her, on a deep emotional level, as an equal. Could I? Oh God. Madonna, why don't you just find your prince charming and move on? That way, I'll be able to stop these gut-wrenching fantasies and find someone else for myself. Oh, that's the other thing. Probably why I'm so attracted to Madonna. Probably why there's such a big part of me that believes she hasn't yet found the right person. I haven't either.
That whole thing. Trying to find a mate that really knows me, can understand how I feel, a mate that I can call my deepest friend. I haven't had any luck, and given what I see as I open my eyes, the selection ain't that great. I think the last article I wrote was ... Or maybe it was two articles ago. Anyway, I wrote an article about how we should look at the people around us and stop drooling at Madonna. I look at the people around me, and I see a lot of nice, pretty, intelligent, caring, attractive girls. I don't think any of them, at least not of the ones I've found yet, can really relate to me. I'm wierd. I've got a different view of the world and of myself. It doesn't matter how hard they try, or how much they want to be close to me, they just can't get it. They haven't had the kinds of experiences I've had. It's almost like I feel, like, an alien. I look at Madonna and I see someone of the same species. Do other people feel this way? Are we all going around under the delusion that we're aliens, when we're really the same basic creatures, even on a deep emotional level? Maybe so. Look at the song on the Bush album. They're one of the hottest bands in America right now, and the song, aptly titled, "Alien" poignantly describes this feeling. IF WE ARE REALLY ALL THE SAME, THEN WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I RELATE TO ANYBODY IN MY NEAR VICINITY?
Oh, that's not true either. I can relate to them. I'm just not at home with them. I feel like I'm in the midst of foriegners. I don't really know their "language", in emotional terms, and they don't really know mine. I can learn theirs, but it's not my native tongue. Reading what Madonna says, both in her music, and in spontaneous interactions, makes me believe that she knows, in emotional terms, my language. That's why I'm leaving everything else behind and going after her. This is insane.
What's worse? Going after a hopeless pursuit, or living in a world where my deepest desires cannot be met? Maybe they can, and I just haven't figured out a way to meet them yet. Right now, Madonna seems like the closest thing to getting my deepest needs met that I know of. I don't just want sex. I could go out and get some of that right now, if it were what I really wanted. I'm not doing it for the money, although some will say that I am. I believe I can honestly say that I'd rather live in squalor with Madonna, than have any other woman in the world and live in a mansion. I may, after this is over, end up in squalor alone. It is a possibility that strikes fear into my heart. Is this worth the risk? It is a HUGE gamble.
I need money. Not tons of it. Just enough to pay my basic bills and keep on living. I don't have it. That's the other thing: powerlessness. Earlier this week, one of the major corperations I worked for fucked up my paycheck. It didn't come when it was supposed to. I suspect they just figured they could screw me and get away with it. I suspect they were right. No morals. No caring. Just an endless lust for money. No. If they really wanted to make money, they wouldn't be screwing people. That just gets people angry and they'll lose business. They just want to screw people. WHY? WHY??? I DON'T GET IT!
I must be an alien. To be human, at least like most of the other humans I've come in contact with, you have to have an endless desire to hurt others. Not because you'll gain anything out of it. Not because there's any reward for it. Just because ... I don't know. Maybe one of these people who has this desire to fuck others over could come out and explain it to me. The rock stars know what I'm talking about. Trent Reznor knows what I'm talking about. Madonna knows what I'm talking about. The members of Smashing Pumpkins know what I'm talking about. The world IS a vampire. I want to know WHY!
Trying to figure out why is what has left me lifeless and disillusioned. I keep searching, questioning, pondering. The more I ponder, the more I lose hope. I can't figure it out. What is the point? I mean, if you've got something to benefit by hurting others, I can understand it. It just seems like most people have an inborn desire to hurt others, period. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I WANT OUT OF THIS WORLD. I think I'll commit suicide. I won't.
What I have is an inborn desire to stay alive, to survive. I've realized this recently. Three monthes ago, before I, "got to know Madonna", so to speak, I was regularly experiencing urges to end my own life. It just wasn't worth it. Everyone was out to hurt me. Everyone was hurting each other. Nobody really gave a shit. I didn't either. I just wanted out. People were trying to give me advice on what I needed to do to "get my life on the right track." FUCK THAT. I see a lot of other people whose lives are on the "right track", and they don't look too happy. I'd rather be a bum. At least that way, you don't have to worry about making it to work on time. Pah. I guess most people just come in to work late anyway. Oh well.
Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I set my standards too high. Maybe I should just do like everyone else and say "fuck it", come to work late, recklessly destroy the property of others, and skim a few bucks from the cash register when nobody else is looking. It works for them. Why shouldn't it work for me? Becasue I'M AN ALIEN. I have to deal with it. I think differently than other people. I say, "If the system is going to turn me into that, I'll stay away from the system, even if it means my death." And I almost died. I did die. On an emotional level, I suffocated.
Then I watched Madonna in Truth or Dare. My heart cried, on a deep level, "YES! I have a soul mate. There is someone else out there who goes through this, and even better, she has found a way to deal with it." I didn't know it consciously at the time, but I was in the process of falling in love. Not just sexually. It was like I knew her spiritually, emotionally, everything. The more I found out about her, the more fascinated I became. I started writing my own analyses of her life and career. I got a very positive response to what I wrote, so I wrote more. I started planning a web page to post my theses. Then, I went out of control.
I started doing little satirical bits. My application for employment was written as a joke. At least, when I started writing it, it was. By the time I had typed the last word, the idea sounded so desirable that I began to think seriously about it. Ditto for the "Purpose of This Page". Within hours, silly humor had turned serious. I found myself writing love letters, pleas for attention from Madonna, and things which I thought would interest the public. I was sure that this web page would become an instant success, as I felt that what I had written was profound. After all, everyone had responded well to my initial thoughts. Why shouldn't they like my page? After the page opened, my ego was soon flattened.
Maybe I'm impatient. It hasn't even been on the net for two weeks yet. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it here. I'm probably going to have to sell some personal items to pay the bill, as I didn't get my paycheck from YOU-KNOW-WHO. Oh, should I just come out and say it? Why not? A corrupt institution deserves to be exposed. Little Caesar's Pizza. There. Want details? I'll post 'em in another article sometime.
Anyway, I'm now changing my strategy. I've realized that a web page alone, at least if it's being ignored by the public, will not be enough to let Madonna know I'm here. I have, over the last couple days, been putting everything I've written here together into a book-like format to send to her fan club, in the hope that they can and will get it to her. I don't know if they will. Even if they do, I don't know if she'll read it. She probably gets similar stuff constantly. She might just throw it in the garbage the instant she needs a clear space to work. Or, it might never even come before her eyes.
I have to make sure she finds out about me. If I don't get a response to my "fan mail" for a couple weeks, I'm gonna have to start using more drastic means. I'm gonna have to get myself in the tabloids, if I can. I'm gonna have to run around in the streets in my underwear. I'm gonna have to get myself arrested for disturbing the peace. I can't go too nuts, though. If I do that, she'll write me off as a total lunatic, and never want to speak to me. I have to walk a thin line.
The other thing I need to do is get money. It seems like a lot of employers don't give a shit how skilled, intelligent, articulate, or friendly you are. They just want somebody with the right credentials. They want people who have learned to cheat. Serves 'em right, because that's who they end up with. Meanwhile, I'm eating out of the bottom of the barrel, and my skills go unexersised. It's frustrating. I have to learn to deal with it. Either that, or learn to cheat. Or maybe I could just curl up and die. Or, go on welfare, which is essentially the equivalant of stealing. You just don't have to do the stealing yourself. You have others do it for you, and in return, you swear allegiance to them. It works for some people. As far as I'm concerned, it's just as bad as cheating. Maybe worse.
That's another reason I feel an affinity for Madonna. She basicly lived off the streets for years. She survived. Has she truly found happiness? Madonna, if you're reading this, is it worth it? Did you find what you were looking for? You've been through it all, poverty and riches, sexual isolation and sexual gratification, loneliness and friendship. What do you think? How has it worked for you? No regrets. That's what she's said. Do you mean it? What's the best thing to go after? You must know. You've been through it all. Please tell me this much. You've been my mentor in so many other ways. Do you even know yourself?
Everything is a hopeless pursuit. Why not go for the hopeless pursuit that promises me another of my own kind, a changeling. (Star Trek: Deep Space 9. Man, oh man! How do these Hollywood writers manage to hit the deepest issues so well?) Yes, it is a more hopeless pursuit than the other hopeless pursuits. It requires more energy, more work, more sacrifice. I'll take the risk. Better to do that than spend the rest of my life in apathy. Even if I fail, at least I'll know I've tried. I'll know I've put my whole heart into something. Even if Madonna never hears of me, I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that I went for the best. I won't have to live the rest of my life wondering if I could've done it. I'll know, one way or the other.
Well, another mental act of excretion has just taken place on this word processor. (If you call Notepad a word processor.) I think I'll listen to some Queensryche. They've got some of the best dramatic music around. A whole drama right on a cd. Operation:mindcrime is really intense. It almost feels like my imaginary love relationship with Madonna. I just wish it were real... Is it worth "the pain that you feel"? I don't know. I have to believe in love. Without it, the world is nothing for me. I'm gonna listen to the Promised Land cd now. I hope I find mine.