3/7/96
Since I just outlined Madonna's whole strategy as it involves finding a father for her child, I felt it would only be fair to reveal my own strategy as well. I am learning from a master. That is, I'm copying her. I'm spewing out all sorts of rediculous statements and calling them jokes, which they are. Among these rediculous statements are offers and even pleas to Madonna to allow me to be the man. After all, I'm only joking, so what I say doesn't really matter.
Not! Even if I am just joking, this page is already making a stir among friends, and friends of friends, and it isn't even on the web yet! So the instant I let all the Madonna fans on the Internet know this page is here, I'm going to be bombarded with attention from them. Then the dittoheads are going to see all the funny stuff I've said, and they're going to tell it to Mr. Talent on Loan From God. Before long, he's going to have to start talking about me on the radio. Then my name is going to start spreading around the Xena and Hercules fan clubs, as I've used indirect references to both television shows. And of course the religous crowd is going to be abuzz about me, as what I have said here is just too significant to ignore. And of course all the pupils in all the SDA schools across this great nation are going to passing rumors about how some Adventist guy wants to father Madonna's child. Same thing for Catholic convents. Pretty soon, the cast of SNL is going to do some silly parody of me, like they do with everybody. The week after, they'll probably be asking me to host the show. And of course my name will be spread around political circles, because I've got tons of controversial ideas on how our government should run. Fifteen minutes of fame will be mine.
Meanwhile, as all this fray goes on, Madonna's going to be busy playing the role of Eva Peron down in South America. Assuming she cuts off all the press from America to focus on her role in Evita, imagine what an idiot she'll look like when she returns to find everybody talking about her prince charming, who she hasn't even heard of. Actually, I'd advise her to do so if she wants to be able to concentrate on her acting, as the shit I've got here is bound to tie up her mind and make her think about things other than acting for a while. It's either her choice or the choice of her assistants as to whether they will shield her from all the hype.
Back in America, I'm working 24 hours a day learning how to deal with all the instant fame. If she does want me, this experience will be invaluable for me in learning how to deal with my celebrity status. If she decides she's not interested, I've still got it made. (maybe) I'll have to spend some time pondering what kind of career I want to pursue, what kind of life I want to lead, and how much fame I actually want to have after I've had a little taste of it. Actually, that statement would be true whether she accepted me or not. I would just be positioned a little bit differetly when it comes to freedom, and my personal life would differ significantly. Something to think about.
So the first thing I'm going to have to do when Madonna returns is observe her response. If she gives no response, I'll know she's still thinking about it and doesn't want to make a commitment yet. That'll give me more time to learn to handle fame and decide whether or not I want more. If she says she wants to meet me, I'll oblige her, although I might require her to do some rediculously humiliating thing in public first. If I think I can get away with it, that is. Maybe I'll say that before I will speak to her, she must first sing "Material Girl" on The Late Show. I'll have to think about that one some more.
In the unlikely event that she gives a yes response before even meeting me, I'll instantly turn her down. Why? It'll get me about an extra two tons of leverage, for one thing. For another, I'll know she is desperately seeking me, and this will give me a chance to put out some more demanding terms to make her think twice about it. If she then comes banging down my door and acting like an obsessed nymphomaniac, I'll know for sure she's not for real, and I'll inform the DA to put a restraining order on her. If that doesn't work, we might be in for another stalker trial.
If she flat out refuses my offer, I'll quit talking about her and go about my life until she changes her mind. If she doesn't change her mind pretty quickly, I'll be on the hunt for someone else to be the mother of my child. After a time, I'll forget about her and my life will go on, with Madonna as an ever-fading memory of someone who once insprired me to do great things.
There is another possibility, and I mention it only for the purpose of provoking thought, because if you're reading this, this possibility obviously hasn't happened. There is a chance that some agents from the FCC, the Mafia, the Moral Majority, the NEA, the Vatican, the Microsoft Corporation, the Church of Scientology, or the Communist Party will try to stop this information before it ever sees the light of day. I am taking every available measure to make sure that they are the last ones to see this, but there is still a chance they could get lucky. They may try to assissinate me and erase my hard drive before Madonna or any other celebrity ever hears my name or reads my words. For while I pose no threat whatsoever to any of these institutions, some of their leaders may fear that I am here to take away their power. I am not. I am here to sustain it. But some of their members or leaders may not recognize this initially. They will see me as a threat, so I must make sure that I live long enough to tell everyone who wants to hear it my tale, even if it is just a thousand lies.
Because of this paranoid concern that I have, I am making sure this information gets around, even if Ben Kinder dies. I'm going to be copying it onto several dozen disks, which I shall spread throughout the Boulder county area just before the web page goes public. I am sure that one of them will find its way to Madonna, and she will know that yet another person who loved her dearly passed away. She'll be devastated for a while, then she'll get up again and go on with her life. She's done it over and over, and she won't give up.
Well, I think that covers me no matter what happens. Oh yeah, Madonna's been getting death threats lately. Well, if she gets killed, the same thing I've stated above goes for me. I think that's it.
Oh, and by the way. If one of you Boulderites does find one if my disks, consider it a collector's item. You could keep it, sell it, make copies of it and sell them off as authentics, or just hide it somewhere else for another lucky soul to find. Or maybe if you're like me and you want a rare copy of the Sex book, you could trade your disk for a book with a friend who is tired of looking at all that pornographic stuff. Just some ideas.
Well, I think I've covered all the possibilities here. Oh, what if nobody wants to read my page and I don't become famous? I'll just have to settle for the girl next door, I guess. There. Any other things I overlooked? I've planned it out so perfectly. Now nothing could go wrong, could it? Ah well, if I missed something, I'm sure I'll get one more chance. It isn't even over yet, and what a day this has already been!
P.S. Oh yeah, there's one thing I forgot to mention: If you find a disk and the label contains the words "The First Week" on the front, written in my handwriting, you'll know it's an original. To prevent forgeries, I'll be giving more clues about what properties the original disks possess in the coming monthes. Stay tuned.