3/7/96
I'm sick of all this beating around the bush. Madonna has hinted at this in things she's said, as have I, as have a lot of other people. What is it we're all failing to mention directly? Madonna is the modern incarnation of Jesus Christ! Do I speak blasphemy? Shame on me. I guess I'll fit right in with Jesus. And don't we all want to be like Jesus? Maybe not. Those of you who don't want idiots like me uttering sacrilegious words such as these: stop telling your kids to be like Jesus. If you don't want me preaching against the hypocrites, pharisees, and false gods, then quit saying everybody should try to imitate Jesus. He did all of these things, and I'm imitating him a lot better than most people.
Madonna imitates him too. (Is there a single historical, mythical, or spiritual figure she doesn't imitate?) She goes around drawing crowds, preaching scriptures, choosing emotionally crippled disciples, challenging religous leaders, causing a commotion, and even letting herself be crucified in the public eye. But she always rises again. Although she does look a little different after each crucifixition. Fun life, huh? Talk about being a good imitator. I'll bet the only reason she hasn't yet played Christ in a movie is that she hasn't yet mastered going through a sex change. Aw well, I guess (and I desperately hope) she'll remain the same in that respect.
So, how is Madonna different than Jesus Christ? Well, for one thing, her parents were married when they concieved her. Unless you want to argue that The Virgin Mary was somehow married to the Holy Spirit. (This point could be made, but I'll let others make it.) So, Jesus was a bastard child. His mother concieved him by fucking God. (Wasn't there some really controversial music video a few years back where someone tried to portray a similar act? Let's see, it had something about a prayer in the title, didn't it?) Oh yeah, Jesus also hang out with sluts a lot. Madonna spends her time with the more dignified members of society. She just parades into Harlem to film music videos that make it look like she cares about the lower racial classes. That way, she can fool everybody into thinking she's a multiculturalist when she's really a white supremacist. (It just gets better and better, doesn't it?)
By now, you're probably either so enraged, or you're laughing so hard that you've forgotten the original title of this article. Look back up at the title bar of your browser. (If your browser has a title bar and displays the title of the document there, of course.) So, take a wild stab at what I was thinking about when I wrote that title. Any guesses? (BTW, this idea about what Jesus was lacking is NOT original. I once heard it a long time ago in a sermon, but I don't remember the name of the preacher who gave it)
It's one thing Madonna has tons of. Maybe Jesus had it too, but if he did, there sure isn't much mention of it in the Bible. Those people who wrote the gospels were all so serious. They knew happiness, but they didn't know how to laugh. Love welcomed them, and they accepted it wholeheartedly. What were they missing? What did Jesus obviously neglect in his teachings? Now before you start cracking dumb jokes about this, hear me out.
No. It wasn't SEX. God, is that all you people ever think about? It wasn't a woman either. He had plenty of those, although he probably didn't fuck them because he figured they had already been screwed enough times. Now, you're asking if he was homosexual? I don't know. How the hell would I figure that one out? They didn't talk about that sort of thing back then. But even if they had, nobody would know. We talk about it now, and it doesn't do us any good. Look at Madonna. What's she? Heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual? I challenge anybody to conclusively prove that she is one of the three. Have fun!
Drumroll, please. Now, for the one trait Jesus was missing when he spread his message. Are you ready? Hold your breaths.
The one thing Jesus lacked: humor.
Now read this little riddle again. Then read your New Testament. I dare you to refute this point. If Jesus ever did tell a joke, I'd like to hear what it was.
If you agree with my belief that Jesus had no sense of humor, tell your friends why he had no sense of humor. DO NOT email me with your ideas on this. It's not that I don't want to hear everybody's ideas, but I'll be lucky if my mail system doesn't crash just from all the flames I get for this article alone.
If you disagree with my ideas here, don't tell me about it. I say this for the same reason I said it above. Even if I had a supercomputer with a 100 terabyte hard drive for holding nothing but email, I still have other things to do with my life. I want to be out fucking Madonna. I don't want to sit in my little chamber all day, reading all the little insights, no matter how good they may be, coming from all the people who stumble across this page. If you want me to read what you think, publish your own web page. Then, I might stop by and check out what you have to say.