3/6/96
"Some people out there think everything I do
is a publicity stunt, they think when I go to
the bathroom it's a publicity stunt."
-Madonna. Quoted from New Musical Express,
December 2, 1995.
So, Madonna, you think people believe your whole life is a series of publicity stunts? When you go to the bathroom, it's a publicity stunt. Well, obviously those few priviliged souls who know your toilet routines must find them very interesting. Otherwise, they wouldn't think such acts worthy of publicity. Tell us, Madonna. Tell us, what is it about your methods of excretion which would prompt people to believe they are publicity stunts? Do you do it differently than the rest of us? Do you even use a toilet, or is there some other device that only people of your wealth can afford? How often do you go? How long does it normally take? When you go, do you stay on the can so long that people believe you have vanished from the face of the earth, or do you do it so fast that they are mystified by your stunning efficiency?
Perhaps you could keep a written record for us so we will know. It should contain the following information: exactly what times of day you are in and out, the type of activity (#1 or #2, or both), the color of the excrement or urine, and finally, its weight and volume. This record should be made public on a weekly basis for all to see. If you do this, perhaps the rest of us will figure out what it is about your bathroom experiences which lead some to believe that they are publicity stunts. Also, you could benefit. Many of your supporters, such as myself, could offer you advice on how you could alter your behavior. Nutritional experts would no doubt be giving you counsel on how to change your diet so as to yield a desired effect. This effect could be up to you. If you enjoy the attention people pay to your bowel movements, you could no doubt change your habits to make them even more interesting. On the other hand, if you get tired of all the focus being on what comes out of your ass, instead of the beauty that emanates from your vocal chords, you could adjust yourself and become more "normal" in this respect, and soon people would just figure you are a regular person who shits just like the rest of us. Then they would move on to give Mariah Carey an anal exam and you would be free to resume your private life in a private manner.