Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Still in Colorado. Family ties have been kept me here a little longer. Sometimes, it feels like an eternity. Then again, there's also many moments I wouldn't mind savoring forever. Only another week.
Been spending much of my time online, sending messages to distant friends, watching pseudo-nostalgic music videos (only "pseudo" because back then our family didn't get mtv, so while the audio leads my mind straight back to adolescence, the visuals fill in what I missed the first time around), playing around for hours on facebook, nearly forgetting that I was almost ready to swear off that corporate-controlled virtual walled playground completely just a couple months ago.
All mindcrack, or something of that nature. Being everywhere, with everyone, yet nowhere, sitting alone in front of a screen. Even when there are other people in the room, they're likely staring off into their own private worlds. Better that way anyhow, cause I'd rather be somewhere else than here. What else is left to do when one is marooned in suburbia?
On the weekends, riding around in gas-gulping automobiles to go sight seeing in beautiful places for a few hours at a time helps break up the stale monotony of city life and provides fresh air, exercise, and a pleasant venue for conversation and catching up with old friends. Then eating overpriced food in bourgeois establishments that I'd be unlikely to visit at all anymore even if I could afford them, but when other people are buying you dinner out of kindness and generosity, why not simply enjoy and appreciate it fully for what it is with a heart of thankfulness? Mmmmm, tasty appetizers.
Then, somewhere within this hi-tech fantasy fulfillment trip that I've been letting my mind get lost in as a means of occupying this consciousness until I can get the hell out of this lulling parental confinement zone and back to my new tribal homeland where a more complete form of bliss awaits (not to mention "having a life" again -- with all that entails), a message comes: Our Sacred Grounds are under threat! Anger arises. How dare they? Viva la resistance!
The will to return home takes on a new form of urgency, even if I have no clue what I can really do to help. But it doesn't matter, because I am Gaia's servant, and I feel myself being called.
When the biggest oil spill in world history scars thousands of miles of distant shores where I've never set foot, and didn't quite get close enough to smell during my journey east, it's a sad but distant event. But when they set out to expand the sickness into the places where we go to worship, where my New Self was consecrated, where lovers have given their blood, and my memories of awakening remain fresh and clear, I feel as if I am ready to throw my body between the gears, if that's what would be required to stop this machine. Am I really that ready, or is this just a moment of outrage that will pass once I've taken the blue pill, fallen asleep snuggling the Little Captain back in my new Missoula dwelling while the Imperial Oil trucks rumble by, just out of earshot in Lolo?
I just don't know. How can one ever know until the moment of choice comes into the immediate present? Please, I pray, if possible.... Let this cup pass from me.
And then I remember also... On that very same land, my own oil-eating beast was claimed as a sacrifice, all those months ago. But before that happened, I too was burning the petroleum, which I bought from the Imperial machine, feeding on its addiction, using it to fuel my journey. Even now, the vehicles in which I ride, be they Greyhound bus, some kind friend's camper van, or a fricken passenger jet from Madison to Ohio... All of them feed on this same energy. How can I fight this when all I want is for my friends to be able to take journeys of their own? Or at the very least, just be able to catch one of those gas-burning buses home?
There's no easy answer. At the same time, it's so simple and obvious, and it's what I've known all along. A lot like calm abiding mindfulness meditation. Just stop. Be still. See that no matter where I am, all I need in the moment is here. Right here. No need to go anywhere, but I will anyway, because just like the mind might find itself thinking, our little human bodies might find themselves in motion.
Yet always, there is ground beneath my feet in which to plant the seeds. Sky above my head, sheltering me as I wander this planet. Chi from the sun to feed the life upon which I feed. Vibration and rhythm in every sound, music waiting to be recognized, and a voice of my own to add to the chorus. Adventure could be around any corner or tree trunk, because it's really all just a story anyway.
Not a practical solution, you might say? No it's not. No more practical than discovering one's true will, once and for all. I may or may not ever find that mythical "perfect fit" of an ecovillage in which to settle down and live out the rest of my life in peaceful contentment, nor do I know whether that "one true love" whose heart beats with mine will ever arrive. Maybe that isn't really where my heaven lies anyway. Maybe I'd rather just be sitting here listening to songs like MyEarthDream and Evermore by Edenbridge, and that's as good as it ever gets.
Maybe I'm already lost in a blue pill wonderland, and always have been, and this whole notion of "waking up" to fight the imperial machine is really all just part of that fantasy narrative. See where this leads?
No, I'm not surrendering to nihilism. I'm not just going to give up because "everything is what it is", even though that may be true. To do that would be to throw away what may be the only game I have left to play. If the game ends, so be it, but as long as I'm here, I may as well keep kicking, fighting, and trying to solve the puzzle that's in front of me. I strive to do so with joy and passion, rather than fearfulness and regret.
All of these sensations -- even pain, suffering, anger, and loss -- are gifts, and I thank the gods for this experience. Every moment could be holy, when this truth can be remembered.
Well.... .... ....
The preceeding paragraphs comprise a partial, if incomplete, linguistic translation (brain dump) of what's on my mind lately.
As for the journey, today a new possibility presented itself. I might even have an opportunity to travel to California before returning to Missoula next month. I'm not even sure what the hell to do with that right now, so I've decided it would be best to sleep and think a little more before making any firm declarations.
But first, I might just spend a little longer delving through youtube while I've got access to bandwidth, cause the stuff on there is so far beyond anything MTV ever was, it's almost better than a holodeck. Britney and Paula, together at last. The mind boggles.
Reality loses its grip on me. Goodnight world.