April 4, 2006
4:30am
It's been over a week since I moved. I've been trying to put a happy face on it, but lately, it just feels as if the life is seeping out of me.
Last night, I went through the motions at work, but felt no joy in it.
I contemplate possible sources of this malaise, and the best answer I can come up with is that when it comes to dealing with everything, I find myself consistently coming up just a little short. Short on time, short on energy, short on motivation.
Not overwhelmed to the point of paralysis, but always, there's a backlog of stuff that I really would have liked to have done last week. It's not as if I haven't gotten to any of it either. But for every item I get done and can check off the list, it seems as if 3 more pop up out of nowhere.
I've been trying to reduce my working hours, but even that proves difficult...
Spiritually, socially, financially, it's as if I'm grinding through the bog. I'm tired of it all. So tired.
Yet now, I sit awake.
When I turned the computer on, I thought I might go into writing more specific details, but at this moment, even that seems like too big a chore.
Half-jokingly, I was just contemplating whether maybe it would be a good idea to throw everything into reverse. Ask Yanthor and Anya if I can move back in with them, resuming our previous arrangement. Quit my Open Harvest job, and ask for a few more hours at the gas station again. (At this point, that would probably be easily available if I wanted. Hilariously enough, it might even turn out that it could match my original starting schedule.) In lieu of being an employee at the coop, maybe sign back on as a one-day-a-week volunteer.
In other words, have a mock rerun of last summer! The idea does have a certain appeal.
At the same time, the desire to avoid endless repetition seems to be a large part of the reason I keep seeking out change.
Always, the pattern changes, whether we want it to or not. Sometimes in obvious ways, sometimes subtle.
But sometimes, I wish I could just have a break from it all.
I can't think of the last time I remembered one of my dreams. I wish I could remember more of them again.