4/4/96
Well, I have been thinking again. (What a surprise!) Over the past few weeks (and monthes, actually), I have been overcome increasingly with the sensation that I need to get away from home. I cannot stay here. It isn't right for me to be here. I'm not doing them any good anymore, and they're annoying the hell out of me. I have to get out on my own.
As time has gone on, there has been less and less which keeps me here. For a while, it was the fear that I couldn't survive in the world. I got over that. Well, not entirely. Then, it was the belief that they needed me here. I cannot be a slave to those who need me, even if they are my parents. In any case, they don't need me here now anyway. They may think that they do, but I'm seeing more signs every day that I am being more of a burden than a help.
There was the addiction to life's luxuries. Simple stuff, like the movies every week, the use of my parents' car, the music. That kind of stuff. Well, I barely even watch the movies every week lately. Sometimes I still do. It isn't critical. I don't use their car anymore, except when I'm on business for them. Actually, that was one that they broke. For a while, when I wasn't getting a job, they denied me use of it. After a while, I just found other ways to get where I needed to go. As far as music goes, they haven't shared my tastes for nearly 10 years. Oh, and on movies and the VCR. I'm not allowed to watch anything with Madonna in it. Not even stuff that kids (primarily girls) used to absorb back in the 80s. My mother was the primary force behind that ruling. She's under the preconception that everything Madonna puts out is filled to the brim with filth. Now I'm laughing out loud.
Don't get me wrong on this one. My parents are NOT complete phobics when it comes to the media. We have watched many an R-rated movie, many with profanity, nudity, graphic violence, and all the other Hollywood vices. It's just that when Madonna does it, they flip. Their reaction is not unlike that of the rest of the media. Go figure. Just to prove the point, whenever my mom wouldn't let me watch something I'd ask for from Madonna, I'd find a movie I wasn't really interested in which was probably twice as dirty, and rent it. Once, when she wouldn't let me get the Virgin Tour, I got Boxing Helena. I didn't even watch the thing through. I had seen it years ago at the theaters. A good movie, it was. I just wasn't in the mood to watch it. Pretty soon, I quit asking if I could rent Madonna stuff. Even though they'd relent once in a while, it just wasn't worth it. I didn't even want to rent anything. With my parents' help, I broke another addiction, so to speak.
Well, after the article I wrote last night, I had to ask myself this: What the fuck is keeping me here? If I'm aspiring to become a bum, and I want to walk the streets, why do I still stick around? Actually, I've sort of been acting like a half-bum anyway. Tuesday night, I stayed out all night and arrived back home at 6:00 a.m. I wasn't partying or anything. Just walking around the city. Well, I wasn't really out the whole night. I did sleep in the car for about 3 hours. It's kind of a long story. Let's just say I got locked out of the house while I was on one of my midnight walks, and I didn't want to wake my parents up to let me in. Although, I think on a subconscious level, I was testing myself. I wanted to see if I could make it. I did. I was somewhat hesitant to go home, as I was enjoying it out there so much anyway. I didn't really have anywhere else to go, I was getting hungry, and I wanted to hear Dean and Roger, so I returned. Wesley Willis is a hilarious inspiration. If anyone reading this has listened to Dean and Rog at all lately, they'll know what I'm talking about. Rock over London. Rock on Chicago. Rock on Denver. Timex. It takes a lickin and keeps on tickin. I whooped the camal's ass. LOL.
Well, back to the question. What is keeping me here? The answer is simple. Ironic, really. What am I doing right now? What are you reading right now? What did I pledge to do until March 12, 1997? Yep, I'm keeping this web page open. I haven't paid the bill, nor do I have the money to do so. I'm not going to be able to go on much longer here like this. See, I always planned that I'd get a job, become financially stable, move to my own apartment, take my computer with me, and stay on the Internet without a break. If I become a bum, it isn't going to happen that way. It's looking more and more like I'm headed that direction. I'm sticking around home so I can keep this little contraption afloat. When it comes down to it, that's really the only reason. The one thread that is keeping me imprisoned.
Oh, one other thing I forgot to mention before. Another reason I had for staying was the social gatherings we would have with a few very particular friends. If they're reading this, they know who they are. We would share great philosphical discussions, from which I would gain a lot of insight. For monthes, these conversations have gone downhill, at least in my view. Our meeting last Saturday confirmed this for me. What was once a group of friends where anyone could share anything with safety has become a forum for bickering, arguing, and all around dissent. We're all very good at convincing others of our views. We take great lengths to try to change the other's mind on little minute points. After a while, we do nothing but nit-pick about silly details. Either that, or we just try to offend the hell out of each other when one of us is unsuccessful at an attempt to convince the other of a point. It's pathetic. Reminds me of the Founding Fathers writing the Constitution. Anyway, I've decided that I don't need to stick around here for that group anymore. They can have fun arguing amongst themselves. I'm sick of arguing with them. I'm going to go find some new people to argue with.
Well, anyway, a few short hours ago, I found myself considering breaking the pledge I had made. A staggering thought. I decided that I was willing to do so. Heck, I'm not going to be able to keep it at the rate I'm going around here anyway. Why not just break the thread now and get it over with? I decided that, if necessary, I will close this page when I leave home and take to the streets. I need to be true to myself, even if it means going back on my word.
Well, after I made that resolve, it didn't take long for me to think of a creative solution which would allow me to keep my pledge and still be a bum. I won't reveal the details now, but anyone who thinks about it for five minutes should be able to come up with at least a general idea of what's in my mind. It's still pretty general for me. I'll hone it in the coming days, as I reconsider everything I've thought about and written here. The ice is going to break pretty soon. Interpret that statement in whatever way you see fit. ;)
Ok, given everything above, what is my number one problem next? Remember way back when I wrote the purpose of this page? Oh, I'll give you another clue. I never said in the pledge that my continued presence would be required in order to keep the page up and running. That should help those of you who still had no idea how I was going to accomplish the task of running a web page while living off the streets. So what's my problem? Madonna, will you tell me please? Come on, I'm listening. I am awaiting your response...
Still waiting... when are you going to contact me?
Bingo. If I'm a bum without an address, no telephone, no email address, and no one knows where I reside, how can the would-be love of my life get ahold of me? Come on, Madonna. Be creative here. Do you have the self-confidence to get my attention? Audience, ponder that. I think she's gonna have some trouble here. Don't worry, I'll give her some time. Madonna, what are you gonna do? I'll tell you what I might do after a while. I might just find a job that I like, work there for a while, and then start getting my name mentioned in tabloids all across this great nation. Before long, I'll be in the "legitimate" press, and Madonna will be considering me in the sweepstakes. Who will father the child? Your guess is as good as mine. When will it happen? For all I know, that could've been decided last Christmas, or maybe the day after. Better luck next year.
Ok, enough of this stupid riddle talk. I'm gonna spend the next few days considering these thoughts. After all, it isn't every day that you get a challenge bigger than that of whooping the camel's ass through a stupid little portal in the wall of a great city. Rock over Detroit. Rock on New York. Rock on Miami. Rock on Los Angeles. What do you know? Dean and Rog are gonna be on in just a little over an hour. The nerve shattering hell ride is about to begin.