3/7/96
Who the hell do I think I am? I think I am someone who is pretending to be Madonna. Since she's going around pretending to be Eva Peron, so am I. Why shouldn't I? It worked for Eva, it's working for Madonna, so why shouldn't it work for me? Oh, pardon me. I didn't know only women were included in this silly little game. What silly little game? The silly little game where the players go around and associates themselves with influencial or respected figures of the present or past. Oh, I get it now. You only get to be somebody of your own gender. Ok, let me think...
I got it. Instead of impersonating Eva Peron,
I'll do somebody who talks on the radio. Let's
see, it's gonna take me a minute to get myself
adjusted and think of something authentic-sounding
to say. Thinking... Thinking... Going out to
research for this method acting bullshit...
About 60 seconds later...
[Note: certain names, words, and phrases have
been altered to protect the innocent.]
The AIB Network presents: My Mind Held Hostage, Day 72. Nobody knows how many days remain.
Greetings to all of you across the fruited plain. Welcome to another edition of My Mind Held Hostage. Some of you new listeners who are just tuning in may be wondering why I say my mind is held hostage. Well, it's simple really. You see, ever since the unelected and unaccountable Ciccone administration took over, I have become a mind-numbed robot who gets daily faxes from the Great House. These faxes contain marching orders on how to best promote the new health care plan. I have also blindly signed a contract with a world, written by the Ciccone administraction, which requires me to promote and perpetuate this juggernaut rolling through Argentina at this very moment.
Mr. Studly, what are you laughing at now? Didn't you eat your vegetables this morning? I advised you that you would have to eat your vegetables if you wanted to stay healthy and be able to avoid these rediculously uninformed comments. What? ... Oh, you don't think I should tell Martha about this? Why not? ... She is my wife? ... Oh, ho, ho, ho. Oh, come on. You know I'm just a harmless lovable little fuzz ball.
Back to the serious issues of the day. By the way, we are an event-driven show here. That is, we do not choose a particular topic to discuss on any given day. We, here at the AIB network, strive to keep you current on all the happenings, no matter when they may occur. Oh, and all you Internet liberals out there: Don't bother sending me any more of your hateful rhetoric. I have sealed my CompuSuck account, so that I can only recieve messages from fellow CompuSuck subscribers. That way, I won't have to listen to any of the kooky multiculturalism that spews out of the world of academia on a daily basis.
Alright, back to the phones here on open line Thursday. Jonathan, from Detroit, Michigan, thank you for calling.
Jonathan: Megadandies from the heartland of liberalism, where there are still a few of us who believe in good conservative values.
Thank you, sir. Ya know, we've got a lot of liberals out here in New York as well, but they're slowly coming around.
Jonathan: Oh yeah. I've been trying to convince my neighbor here to listen to your show for two years now, but he was always listening to the mainstream media's take on you. Then last week, he listened, and he said he was surprised that you're not a woman hater or a racist, and that what you say actually makes a lot of sense.
Yes, well. When people actually listen to what I have to say instead of listening to all the psychobabble coming from the infobabes and the Rrrrev-vvurr--rrund Jackson, they learn that my views shine the light of truth on America. Now, sir, what is it you called me to talk about?
Jonathan: Well, I was wanting to know your thoughts on this whole issue of gays in the military. I mean, do you think it would be ok for them to join as long as they didn't tell anybody about their sexual preferences?
Well... See this is a touchy issue because people seem to have this idea that the military should be there to include everyone. That's not the purpose of the military. The military was around long before all these cockeyed liberals came along and started saying "make love, not war". Now, I believe in a peaceful nation. And that is why I believe we need the military. We have to guard ourselves and keep our weapons so other countries won't attack us. If we keep a strong force of weapons, countries like Iraq will be much less likely to mess with us.
And about this whole gay thing. I believe it is unnatural and immoral for two grown men to sleep together. Now, when you get into the military, we need a strong force of troops who can work together well. And putting in a bunch of gays is going to lower morale. People are going to feel uncomfortable knowing that the person sleeping in the bunk above them could be sexually attracted to them. And that kind of thing just doesn't work when you need a well-adjusted, disciplined, and well-integrated force.
Now, let me clarify that I have nothing at all against gay people. I certainly wouldn't engage in the kind of practices they adopt, but I believe the government should stay out of people's bedrooms. And just because they can't join the military doesn't mean they can't fit in elsewhere. Heck, there are clubs which I would never be seen in that are designed for that sort of thing. The military is not a place for people to get "warm fuzzies". It is there for the protection of this country, and I honor those who have the courage to serve in it. Does that answer your question, Jonathan?
Jonathan: I couldn't have said it better myself. Keep up the good work. We love you out here.
Thanks for your call. I'm way over time here. Sometimes I get carried away with these thought provoking discussions in the arena of ideas. When we come back, I'll tell you what's going to be in the monologue for the next hour. Right now, all I have time to say is that I am sick of the perverse turn some of the popular music in this country is taking, but I am optimistic that the consumers will demand better. Stay tuned...
Announcer: You're listening to the AIB network.
My friends, we've got a new sponsor here at the Artificial Intelligence Broadcasting Network. That's right, I'm talking about the X-box. Using the X-box, you can keep your kids from watching all the X-rated television shows that come on, and there are a lot of them on the airwaves these days. But the best thing about the X-box is that it's easy to use, and it lets you tune in to all the good wholesome family entertainment that's out there without any inconvenience. I don't use the X-box yet because I don't have any kids, but as soon as Martha and I can get going, if you know what I mean, we will have the X-box set up before our child is even born. I don't know about you, but I think America's children deserve only the best of what our media has to offer. And if you order now, tell them I sent you and you can recieve the special RSS Satellite dish, which gets over 500 channels beamed in straight from the sky, at a discounted price.
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Have you been having trouble sleeping lately? Do you go to work and hear your boss complain behind your back about you always being lazy and never arriving on time? Well now there's a solution...
Game Over.
Back to reality. Well, how do you think I did at our
little game? Think I could get a job as a talk show
host? Ah, never mind. I don't think I'd want one.
Although I might be interested in appearing as a
guest on one. That is, if it's a talk show that
has guests. Aw, what the heck. I'd even go on one
that doesn't allow guests, although I doubt they'd
want me there. Well, maybe someday, if Hollywood's
still interested by then, I could write a screenplay
for a movie portraying a character such as the one
I have just imitated. Who knows? We'll see
someday...
Oh yeah. In case anybody out there is jealous, I'm verile, vigorous, and potent as always.